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close your eyes and see
2001-12-30
i realized something today. something important. something that actually opened the door to my mind at least a small crack for me.
i have to start from the beginning, tho.
I WANNA BE PART OF ALL THIS!!!!
i wanna go on tour with them, i wanna drink with them, i wanna party with them, i even wanna get stoned with them if that's what it takes....i wanna LIVE with them! i wanna be their friend! and hell, yeah...i'd want people to know, too. i want to be mentioned in stef's band diary as 'our close friend kathy who went on tour with us and...'. gawwd! yes, that's what i want! that's the only thing i REALLY want. and it's the only thing i'm REALLY never gonna get.
i just noticed...i've never spoken that honestly about my 'relationship' to this band to anyone. it's easier here because the only way of feedback i can get are guestbook entries and mails and if they're negative i can still pretend to myself that they're from sick weirdos who want to hurt me. tho i know they're from people who are a lot more sane than me and they're just trying to show me how sick i am. if i told my friends or other people who know me about it they could directly tell me and there's be no way of pretending they're just trying to harm me. hey, at least i know they're right. i just don't wanna get it into my head...somehow.
yup...now you're asking why i don't just go and get a life and find a solution and get away from this band and throw all that placebo-related stuff away.
ok...now that i actually ruined the fun for some of you out there and you don't feel the slightest urge to go and party on new years eve i can happily go off now! stay beautiful!
liebling
ps: yup, so this is kind of the 'new design' of my diary! ok ok...it's not finished yet but i think it's cute and i like it and i made everything myself (looks like that, too *g*) and i'm proud of it. tee hee! is it just me or does all this cute hello kitty stuff kind of collide (does this even exist?) with the things i'm writing here? *lol*
i was watching one of my placebo videos...i can't even really remember which one it was because it was just on to give me some comfort...to ensure me that it's there and i just have to look at the tv and i'll be looking at the guys and there music is all around me and stuff. i do that quite often and it's nice. it gives me some strange feeling of safety. i know that's sick but that's not the point. so...the vid was playing and i was deep in thoughts. actually i was wondering why on earth i am so addicted to this band. why i'd prefer watching their videos on telly to go and see some of my friends (there are very few people i'd prefer to that, really). why i even celebrate their birthdays in some kind of way. why i do all those crazy things people usually do for people they know, people they love. and actually i came to the point where i realized i'm not in love with them like so many fans say...and it's not sexual attraction, either. nor do i just see the genius in them that makes them write all those beautiful songs. actually i started to ask myself what i wanted from all this. because when i imagine sleeping with one of them it doesn't give me this usual fan-like 'kick'...and i guess i'm not even too keen on meeting them for a 3-word conversation after a gig or so. no!
i know that! it's impossible. they don't know me, they don't even know i exist. i don't think they'd even care. even if i met them they wouldn't even pay attention to me. let's face it...if i told them what i just wrote here they'd think i'm a looney and call their security guys to take me away. and if i just met them and acted like any other fan (gawwd, i hate that word!) they'd give me an autograph and a hug maybe and that was it. i'm not even pretty! i wouldn't even get a shag (not that that was my aim anyway but you know what i mean).
so...to put all that in just a few word: i realized that i'm wasting my time and life with trying to reach something that's simply out of my reach and i'm a pretty sick and sad person. 
maybe i should just kill myself cos with that attitude i won't reach anything more than i have now...not even if i live for another 60 years or so.
i mean...i don't have any other real goals. sure, i know what i have to do and i kinda what to get a job and earn money and shit. but from there it goes back to placebo because i wanna earn money to go and see them more often. *sigh* i have some superficial goals like 'yes, i am gonna get good grades this year' and blah but it feels like i developed them so i don't have to tell my parents that i wanna go on tour with placebo when they ask me about my future goals.
and the answer's just as simple as the question: because they're the only thing that makes me happy at the moment. the only thing that is good in my life. i feel happy when i just see their faves on my tv screen or listen to their songs. 
all other things in my life pretty much suck. not just the school and future stuff and blah. i am working on that and it doesn't depress me much anymore.
i rather mean my free time activities and stuff. i hardly go out and usually i just sit around and bore myself to death. sure, i could go out. i have some friends...i could just go to some club or so. the problem is...i don't want that. some time ago i realized that i'm different to most people. they can go to a club or a party to cheer themselves up and they really enjoy their time there. i just don't. been there, done that. it just bores me to death. you dress up like a barbie doll (i luv barbie but don't really wanna look like her all the time), pay a fortune to get in, pay another fortune for drinks to get yourself pissed which is actually known as 'the mood' there, listen to the music that couldn't be further away from your kind of music, watch the others dance and decide not to do it yourself because other people will think the same mean things about you as you're thinking about them right at that moment, meet some people you know you never want to see again, meet maybe some decent people who could make a possible shag if their boyfriends/girlfriends didn't come around the corner just then and after a few hours you leave, miss the last bus, can get no taxi, don't get home before 8am when the first bus reaches your stop and notice that you lost your purse. HOORAY! 
no thank you!
xxx
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