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2005-08-23

I have made a decision tonight and I hope that the person I am doing it for will approve as much as I think they will. I also hope that another person won't be too disappointed because of it. I can't really write any more details because I haven't yet made the full plan. And I need to do a few things to even realize all. And I hope that my crap-ass-town won't make any problems again...

It's strange...when I was still working, I was always quite pissed when I had to go to bed because it seemed like all the excitement was just starting when I had to leave. Now I spend the whole night online and it just sucks. My buddy list is empty. Which is a nice change to when it's packed with people online though I'm not talking to them. Not even annoying dude from the UK who is like SO in love with me is online. Or wait, he is but he's not talking to me. He's had his dose of sarcasm for tonight. Poo. Everyone else is in bed because they have work or school or a life tomorrow.
Well, the good thing is that Annette is also off work at the moment. Though it feels weird calling it a good thing since she's sick and all. But at least we found the time to hang out together today. We went out for dinner and just talked. Had some nice food at Pizza Hut and then got some coffee from Starbucks. We also drove around D�sseldorf and made a point of visiting the "Medienhafen" to see were NBC Giga is being filmed but couldn't find their studios. Ok, we didn't really try, either. It was just like...

"Ugh, I'm stuffed. Can't move. What d'ya wanna do now?"
"Dunno. Oi, isn't that the place where they film the Giga stuff?"
"Yup!"
"Sweet! Let's go check it out!"
"..."

And then we ended up driving around some rather filthy industrial area and it was more like...

"Kathy?"
"Yeah?"
"Where are we?"
"Pff...D�sseldorf?"
"Hm..."
"You think we should turn around?"
"Well..."
"Okay!" *turns around and gets the hell away*

Yup, our adventures for today.

Anyway, my job interview was as crap as I thought it would be. He basically wanted me to first go round selling insurances, then get other people to go round selling insurances. The best part was when he told me about some workshop thing that I had to attend on 10th-11th September. But because I wouldn't have signed a contract until then and therefore wouldn't be an employee of the insurance company, I had to cover the hotel charges myself. �90 to see if this would even be a job for me. And afterwards, if I decided to sign the stupid contract, I would only get �600 per month maximum and the rest would be provisional. Which means: POO!
It ended with a pretty ironic scene: me actually begging him not give me the bloody job and just to fucking let me out of his damn office. Ok, maybe not literally. But of course I told him it didn't sound like something I could or would do. He kept asking me why and what he could do to change my mind and I started to feel really uncomfortable. I'm just not good at stomping my food and telling someone no. So, I ended up promising to come round tomorrow for some sort of...trial thing. I would watch him do the work and see whether I could get it done. As soon as I got home, I realized that I had made a huge mistake and that there was no way I would go to the place again. So, I kept wrecking my brain on how to get his phone number. You guessed it: he didn't give me his number and I, being all panick-y and just wanting to get out of the place, hadn't asked for it, either. Luckily, he called this morning to confirm our appointment and I flat-out lied to him saying I had another appointment which I preferred because the job was more my thing. My plan was to call him and tell him that I got the other job. But my mum pointed out to me that that would suck because my profile's still online on the job agency's website and it would only lead to trouble. But maybe I'll tell him that I got to "second base" and have another interview and hope that he'll move on and forget about me. I don't know. Maybe I just won't call at all. I really don't know...

I must remember to call Maja tomorrow. Which is becoming increasingly hard because of my erratic sleeping patterns.

Wow, I just walked into the living room and my mom was up. I don't think I've ever had a conversation with her at 4am. Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I had an actual conversation with her at all. It's so weird. I spend so much time with her seeing as we live together and we often do stuff together but we never really talk. And when we do, I often feel like she thinks I'm strange. Not in the same way that strangers would think of me but just like, she's afraid that I'm going insane and that she's trying to avoid topics that might prove it. For example, she's never asked me why I almost never go out and why I have practically no friends in my area. Well, I have Annette now...and Alex and some others that I still never do anything with. But for a while when I was 16-18 or something, I knew no one around here. And she just never asked me about it or anything. Now she doesn't, either. I used to think she just didn't see the truth but I'm 22. She must see that I'm not leading a normal life. And she just ignores it and whenever I bring it up, she still tries to find a way around it. It's not like I want to talk about it with her. But sometimes it seems to come up. Still, I think I am grateful that she's not trying to discuss it with me. It's not even a huge problem for me. It's more that I think it should be. I feel like I should be worried or depressed or lonely but I'm not. Is that weird?

Mansun - I Can Only Disappoint You

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