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uh...whee?
2004-04-23
damn. i wanted to write an entry yesterday. i was happy yesterday, so it would have been a positive entry. today i am not happy, so it's not gonna be a positive entry. but maybe that's a good thing. my positive entries suck anyway. i know it's sick but i don't even like myself when i'm happy.
today was one of those "why can't i just die?"-days. i was annoyed/stressed/upset/angry for no reason at all. i don't know but somehow this is far worse than having a reason. because if you have a reason, you can try to get rid of it or...i don't know...ignore it. just do something. or pretend to do something. but if you're just annoyed/stressed/upset/angry, there's nothing you can do. and it gets you into loads of not-all-that-great situations. people think you suck and you can't even make it any better by telling them about your really sad reasons.
because i'm so bored and not really able to keep up normal conversations, i started thinking again (god, please, no!). i think i will leave my "home". no, not my home-home. haha, moving out? me? never! i rather meant the forum i've been posting at since...hell, i forgot. must have been 2000 or 2001. ok, it doesn't sound long but in the end, 3 or 4 years is a long time on the net. most websites don't even exist for a year.
uh...let me try to be a little more positive now. so, yesterday was that horrible girls day in germany. it's supposed to show girls how much fun jobs in the IT business are but basically it's just another excuse for teenage girls to take a day off school and go to visit random companies to rip their arses open to entertain those girls. as seen with my company. we rented a whole hotel and put loads of stuff there. all apprentices had to do *something* and annette and me had to...watch people's coats. can someone say hooray?! so, we were stuck in an ex-pool house and now-caf� which was HUGE. first, it sucked, then it just got cooler and cooler. the location was really awesome and we both miss it dearly because it just...rocked. and because we were two people and we had this huge place all for ourselves, we did the only logical thing: we freaked out. we took interesting photos with our mobiles (no, i'm not gonna put them up here :p ), we talked really scary stuff, we had fun with...balloons *and* i got to use the men's room. heh. yes, this is a big thing because not only did i use it but i had my own men's room for 6 hours. ha!
i don't know...i just don't feel comfortable there anymore. people have changed a lot and it seems like they don't even like me anyway. god, this sounds whiny, doesn't it? it's ok if they don't, i just don't know why i need to be there in that case.
problem is...i can't say i hate them. they don't even annoy me all that much. ok, we've all grown apart but i still think it's amazing that we've kept this...community going for so long. and in the end, most of us have never met, yet we'd still be able to tell at least a bit about each other. i don't really want to leave that behind but right now i don't really see a reason why i wouldn't. i have similar problems in RL (about who and what to leave behind) and i'm not sure whether i need to put up with the same shit online as well.
damn, i wanna go back there. :(
black milk - if the gods (may know your name)