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just not good enough

2004-04-17


right now i feel like nothing i do will ever be good enough. for no one. i will always disappoint people in some way. the things i say aren't right. people don't see a single reason why they should listen to me. they just turn away because what i'm saying is dumb anyway. or they cut me off. the music i listen to isn't good enough. it's not cool enough and not underground enough. my feelings aren't good enough. no matter how and what i'm feeling...it's always wrong. when i'm sad, i'm supposed to be happy. when i'm happy, they tell me to be sad. when i'm depressed, they just turn away...bored, disgusted.

i used to think people's opinions didn't matter to me. but they do. they have an influence on me. one bad conversation can ruin my day. people have the power over my feelings and that's enough to upset me. i hate depending on them. i hate them being able to control my feelings. but i can't change it. it just happens. they say something that upsets me and i become gloomy again.
and it's also a fact that it's never just one person doing something that upsets me. it always happens several times in a row. people saying mean things, people ignoring me...

sometimes i wish i could leave it all behind. my whole life. start a new life. new family, new friends, new home, new job...everything new. is that selfish? and unfair? maybe but sometimes i just don't care about other people's feelings. i don't care how many people feel offended when i say i want new friends. i don't care whether the thought of me leaving upsets them. because when i'm feeling like i currently am, i just can't imagine that that's the case. that there are people who are my friends, who care.

and i wish i didn't care, either. at all.


AFI - silver and cold



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