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cut me off!
2002-12-21
i am pretty down today. i called my dad again, like i promised. this time, he was home but the talk was pretty short and left me feeling rather strange. it felt like he wanted to get rid of me. maybe it was just my imagination playing tricks on me. but dunno...i mean, i just asked if he was celebrating his bday or if i should come over for christmas and he just went like "yeah, whatever, i'll call you..." and i mean, he *NEVER* says "i'll call you..." he usually says "call again..." or "just come over". i also heard them argue when my stepmother gave the phone over to him. i just think there's something seriously wrong and whether it bothers me or not, i think i do have a certain right to be told. it's just so not fair. i mean, he keeps bragging on about how we should steady our relationship and how i should trust him and all. and then he goes and just doesn't tell me anything and even tries to get rid of me like that. also, last year they gave me hell for not coming over on christmas. so this year, i thought i'd be a nice little girl and go over because i know it means something to them. but now, it feels like my presence wouldn't be appreciated at all. i have no idea what to do now. it's his birthday tomorrow. should i call? he said he would call. and after today i don't really feel like 'bothering' him again. it was like a bloody slap in my face when he just interrupted me and all. after all, i don't even know if THEY have any problems with each other if he has a problem with me. i don't know where that would be coming from who knows...?! i just don't know anything. for all i know someone could have died or whatever. i don't really dare ask, either, because i don't want to be cut off again. i guess i'll just wait until he calls. i don't think i could bear him being so cold on the phone tomorrow.
why do things always have to be complicated? why can't they ever just go well or not? why do bad things have to improve and good things go downhill? i mean, ok, if my life was totally fucked and there was no way for it to improve again, that would suck but at least it would be certain and i'd have to live with that (or not). and if everything was great, that would be cool. but this way it just sucks. especially because there can never be just good things at a time. when everything seems to be great, at least one thing goes completely wrong. it just pisses me off. i don't want to have to deal with issues about my father again. or with any issues for that matter. *sigh* i know there's not much i could do about it. i can't just take time off like i can from work. that would be nice. i'd prepare a nice away-message for my e-mail going like "hi all. i'm sorry but i'm taking a few days off the usual crap you and life in general are giving me. if there are actually any GOOD things you could tell me, you can reach me under 'blablabla'. see ya"
i mean, can you believe it? that stuff has upset me so much that i'm sitting *in my room* writing this. listening to rachel stamp. ok, the rachel stamp-bit isn't so unusual. but do you know when was the last time i actually switched the comp in my room on? has to be about a month ago or something. i just don't want to have my mom around right now incase i actually start weeping. well, or in case she mentions my dad and asks what he said because i don't even want to tell her about it all. she'd either tell me what a crap father he is or try to cheer me up by telling me how it's nothing to do with me...and i don't know what would be worse. also, i think what i needed was some loud noisy music. it's definitely helping even though it's not really a cure for the awful headache that's been banging against the insides of my head all day.
hmm...don't you ever wish you could go out and hurt some people really bad without ever having to pay for it? right now, i do. i just wanna slap and kick and bite certain people. screw whoever said violence isn't a solution. maybe it isn't but it makes you feel better. *evil look*
the good thing about it all is that the whole christmas-shit doesn't annoy me half as much as last year. i guess last year i was too busy with myself and making problems out of nothing. so i had loads of time to complain about that. now, that there are real things to be upset about, christmas seems more of a comfort. it's like "at least it's christmas and the world's full of love and (more or less) pretty decorations and happy kids and all". ok, at times it's sickening. but dunno...it just helps in a way.
right now, i so wish i could hate him again like i did a while ago. it would mean nothing to me and it'd be easy to give up on him like that. but lately, things were going better and i was ready to accept him as a kind of father again. i can't just go back to hating him again.
anyway, i guess i'll go and sit in the dark now...just because i can.
rachel stamp - crucified