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another birthday!
2002-12-20
whee. today my diary's 1 year old.
yup. that was one year ago. many things have changed now. some havent't at all. i'll leave it up to you which ones have.
so, anyway...i didn't actually wanna make this a whole long emotional rant about how i changed and how strong i am (which i'm not) and yadda yadda yadda. neither did i want to praise myself because i'm still pretty much of a selfish little bitch and nowhere near the worshipable goodess i'm making myself sound like at the moment. o:) i just wanted to look back because i figured, it was a good time to do so.
looking back is a good subject. it's new year's eve soon. so...has anyone made any resolutions? i dunno if i should make one. i thought i should make one to finally get a tattoo. but i dunno. it's a rather stupid one because there's nothing really holding me back. i have the money (well, not right now but...), i'm not too scared of it, i have the time, i know some people who'd go with me...i'm just too lazy and there's always my typical "ah, i'll do that tomorrow..."-kind of thinking. so there's no real hurdle to pass to accomplish this. and i don't really believe in new year's resolutions anyway. but i thought i should finally make one, too. because i've never had one. of course, there was always the typical stuff you say like "oh, next year i need to..." but that's no real resolution. maybe i'll make this one just as kinda test...
anyway, to keep you informed about my exciting life...
i also phoned my dad to find out about christmas and his birthday. well, he wasn't home and my stepmother didn't give any information. somehow, i think they're having issues again. i dunno...his bday is on sunday and christmas a few days after and she's trying to tell me they didn't talk about that at all?! usually, she plans things like that 2 years in advance or something. ok, they just got back from egypt a few weeks ago but together, they have a rather large family and if she's gonna invite them all, they should have started planning a while ago. not that i mind, tho. so i won't have to visit them for long and hang around with all the weirdo's from her family and everything. i wouldn't mind them separating, either, because i don't like her enough to care and i dunno if he'd be upset or if i could be arsed to care about that, either... o:)
anyway...i guess you're pretty much up-to-date with everything now...you little paparazzi, you! so, i guess i'll be off to watch some telly or something. i wanted to call maja and mariam but i'm so tired and so sick and i already had to talk to so many people on the phone today and basically, i'd only end up either boring them to death or getting into arguments again, so i guess i'll rather lie in my bed and watch telly until i fall asleep...
one year ago...
...i was a boring little fuck who just needed something to do.
...i was depressed as hell and needed someone to listen, so i went online and just 'forced' the whole world to listen.
...i thought this would end after a few weeks like all the other online activities i get bored with pretty soon.
...i had no future whatsoever.
...i was still a schoolgirl.
...i had almost no friends at all.
...i thought noone would ever want to read this anyway.
...i thought i'd end up as a drug addict or whore or something.
...things were loads easier, either you're fucked or you're not.
...i was great at hiding my feelings.
...i was just another little girl in the huge world of cyberspace.
i just know that in a way, things have improved. i'm still not a happy 'normal' person. but i feel better about myself and my life which is good. it feels like i'm on the right way. it's a bit scary to see how many things you actually have to care about and take responsibility for when you step out into the real world. but it's also quite nice. tiny decisions could have the biggest consequences for you. but i think i can deal with that. i feel like i was completely numb back when i started this diary. it was like...either there's a clear path in front of you and you just have to follow it and if there isn't, you're fucked. well, i didn't see any, so it seemed there was no path for me. because of that, i let people decide for me, let them push me into directions they wanted me to go... it feels better now. i've made my own decisions. i followed a path i made for myself. i'm not even sure if it's the right one. maybe there'll be a dead end. but i know that if i hadn't tried, i'd be dead now. well, dead or (and that's worse) still where i was before.
today was the last day at our current station at work. in january/february we'll be at school. so the christmas party (yes, ANOTHER ONE!) was a big good-bye. i had to buy a present for jacqueline, so i bought that little toy phone as a joke and i think it was the best pressie. well, not the best but the most amusing one. it read 'my first own cellphone' on the package which made the whole thing even more hilarious. i got some candlestick thingie from benjamin which was alright considering that his mom bought it. and alex surprised as all by giving annette, melanie and me presents. i got a really pretty little pink glittery candle plus holder. it was a bit embarrassing, though, because we didn't have anything for her or each other. so, we'll send something to each other then.
also, my mom got her new car today. not toooo much of an exciting thing as i know everything already. she said she was pretty upset to give her old one away and i think she's desperately trying to find things to complain about on the new one because she still thinks we 'forced' her to buy a new one. *rolls eyes* yeah, she can be a real bitch.
ash - burn baby burn