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2003-10-21
WARNING: since i got my "female problem" today, you're in for a really PMS-ish entry which contains mood swings and extreme emotional outbursts. so don't come complaining later!
well, it is my grandpa's birthday today. and at the same time it is one of 'those days' for me. everything sucked, i was on the verge of crying the whole day...and then i got home and was forced to go out for dinner. it just couldn't work out, could it?
probably i'm just paranoid again. lately, i feel like no one cares about me. it's just stupid things. friends not noticing i am depressed. people interrupting me because they didn't even notice i was talking. people not listening. after a while it all comes together and seems to make sense for you, you know?! it's just...you get really stupid pathetic thoughts. like...if i died tomorrow, how many people would cry? and how many people would i seriously call friend?
does anyone else sometimes notice how you can find comfort in the smallest things? like today while driving home after dinner. i was half-passed out on the backseat thinking about how unhappy i am and all when the new strokes single came on on the radio. now, i'm not the biggest strokes fan and i don't even find their new single to be all that fantastic. yet, it really kind of...cheered me up a little. it excited me a little. and then people wonder why i like music so much...
on a lighter note...i remembered today that i'll get some extra-christmas-wage soon which could mean that i'll get my tattoos earlier than i thought. i should really start finding a decent tattooist. i don't know where to look, though. i doubt we have any good ones here in my town. though there is one studio that looks really neat and all. but i'm not even sure whether i wanna get it done here. it's so...boring. to do it right, i should fly to the US and go to one of the tattooists recommended by AFI in the album booklets. but i guess that won't be possible so i should start thinking of some alternatives.
work sucked but we know that. despite what i said earlier i can't bring myself to just live with it. well, usually i can but today i can't. it all seems so pointless and people there seem to be trying to get me to yell at them. i want to do that so badly. just once. just once tell them to stop treating me like they do. everyone's looking down on me. they are. i'm not paranoid. ok, so i am but this hasn't to do with my paranoia. they make me do the shitty jobs because i'm just the stupid little apprentice-bitch. by now i am pretty sure that people think that. and i hate it. i hate sitting there all day waiting for orders and otherwise just...rot away.
i talked to annette via email today. we had our first deeper conversation. she said she had obviously left her depressive phase now and was able to look at everything more positively. i am happy for her. but i also envy her. and the selfish bitch inside me wants her to keep being as down as me because i need company down here in hell.
also, i don't know what's wrong with her lately and i didn't wanna bring it up today. she seems to be blocking me on her messenger and she also cancelled fame academy on saturday with a stupid reason. but on the other hand our mail-convos are sweeter than ever. i really don't know...
but i get that a lot of times with really random things. mostly music, of course. but when i am really sad or really scared i sometimes think of random celebrities that i don't even necessarily like or care about and what they might be doing and for some strange reason it cheers me up. or rather...it comforts me.
i have also finally decided which motives i want and all. now i only need to decide on how a fire inside should be written. aaand i need proper pics of the motives. anyone out there who can draw very very very very good? heh.
phantom planet - california