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sign of devotion
2003-10-18
i made a decision today. i'm not even sure if it is a good idea to write about it here because i know people will contact me to tell me how stupid i am. but i've already made the decision and i am *not* asking for advise here, you know.
and i made another decision. though it was more like...drawing a conclusion from my current situation. i kind of decided that i will stop being so over-negative about my job. it's not so bad. ok, it bores me to death and i think it sucks but that's because it's not what i want to do. i'm just doing it because...well, i have to. and that makes me unhappy with the whole thing. but i realised i'll never be fully happy if i don't get to do what i would like to do. and i just decided to accept that. at least for now. because i could go and quit and try to get into a business that's more to my liking but that would probably cause more trouble than anything else and since i don't know exactly what i want yet i guess that would be pointless. so i'll just try to make the best of the current situation. which is trying to be on time at work, trying to have a loose but friendly contact to the people there, enjoy my free time as much as possible and cling to every little thing that promises to make me happy for a while. and, of course, trying not to depress myself so much anymore which will be the hardest because once i am a little unhappy i only have negative thoughts and that depresses me even more than because i can be the most tragic little girl ever.
in other news...ozzy's cancelled his bloody tour again. or rather...he postponed it. (ok ok, the tour people did) sometime in spring 2004 i'll hopefully get to see him then. this makes only 2 gigs in november now, though. well, maybe annette and i will add some fame academy shows then. oh, and we'll go see martin kesici in december. yeah, i know...i'm turning into this little casting show-addict. but after all, martin really rocks. and he's playing the live music hall in cologne which is reeeaally ickle so i can stand right in front of the stage and see his beautiful eyes and i guess by the third song he'll have me humping his legs just because of those eyes.
soooo, i decided i will get both my wrists tattooed. placebo on the one side, AFI on the other. i want some small picture thingie to go with each. i thought about the heartbat for AFI but i don't know if that will work in such small dimensions. i'll see, though. i just know that i want it to say a fire inside instead of AFI so far... for placebo i really don't know. i thought of two small ickle angel wings as seen on the back of the bulletproof cupid shirt in the neck area and then writing placebo underneath so that the beginning of the p and the end of the o are precisely under the ends of the wings. but as i said...i am not 100% sure about either. i won't get them done before after christmas, anyway as that's when i'll have enough money. well, after my birthday, maybe but i don't know yet whether i'll get money or maybe a car radio or something from my mum so we'll see...
but i definitely want them. placebo is obvious as i've liked them for so long already and they just mean the world to me. and AFI...well, today i noticed that they mean equally as much to me.
now don't say idiotic things like "you don't know whether you'll still like them in 20 years". i know that. i mean, i know i could stop liking them (this much). and i could forget about their meaning. or...no, let me rephrase that: they could have less of a deep meaning for me in the future. but i don't care. i mean, if you cut yourself you'll still have scars after 20 years and when you're 40 you'll most likely find it silly, too. and if i die tomorrow, i might regret not having done it. i just know that i want those tats so badly...i wish i could just get them now.
and by the way...it's not my fault bloody placebo and AFI aren't coming back. today i received a mail telling me there are new dates for the USA. so i guess that's it about coming to germany before the end of the year, eh, adam? *glares*
martin kesici - she's like the wind