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we're angry
2004-02-21
i think i'm finally losing it. or rather...gaining more useless abilities than anyone could wish for. now, i even have a sort of ability to sense where i could find stuff about my favourite artists. i was just randomly browing through the diaryland member directory because i am bored out of my mind and i found this. how scary. i wasn't even really looking for names that were related to anything i like. ok, wenn i see names like...dunno...punkrockchick or something, i try to avoid clicking on them because of obvious reasons (no offence to anyone but...uh...yeah *g*). actually, i know i sound mean and arrogant and i know i should probably write this loooong paragraph about how i don't mean to (and really, i don't) and i should explain it all and bla. but actually, i'm generally a little angry today and i guess offending people just doesn't seem so bad to me today.
it starts with school. nothing's going like i *planned* it. note that *plan* definitely isn't the right word because i've never made *plans* concerning my future or anything. it just sounded good. but yeah...all i'm ever getting are C's and that just won't do. i need an average grade of B- at least. which i'm now pretty sure i'll never get. it doesn't bother me that much. what does bother me, though, is that everyone around me is better. annette is, alex is, melanie is. the others, i don't care about, really. i know it's stupid but i think i have to reach that B- goal because i don't want to spend the last 6 months of the apprenticeship on my own. ok, it's not really that bad. it's not like i never talk to anyone else. but they're my friends and i've always found the urge to do exactly what my friends are doing. or...not do exactly what they're doing. that's not the point. but...say when we had to choose subjects, i usually chose what my friends were choosing. i hate it but i almost do it automatically by now. also, it makes you feel so useless when you're given your grades and everyone has an A or B and you get a C or worse. they say, they're not thinking anything about it but i know they are. yet, i can't bring myself to sit down and study more. because i don't give a shit about what we're being taught. especially not since i figured out how much i hate the job. i don't know how to get through this. really, i don't.
another thing i wish i could get rid of is the class. yes, it's taken quite some time but now i'm back to hating them. for a completely new reason, though. i don't care about them being noisy anymore. i'm used to it. i don't care about teachers freaking out because of that anymore, either. what annoys me is how careless they are. because of *complaints* which involved trouble with us, our german teacher (whom i actually liked a lot, after all) is in huge trouble with her boss. she's not allowed to teach us or any other class of our company anymore, nor will she be allowed to continue teaching at uni and there were quite a few other consequences for her. and the stupid pricks in my class don't care at all. it was like "damn, she might get fired because of us" "so what?" they never ever care about anything. i know it's because they're constantly high. we recently found that out. ok, so i didn't and i don't know how the people who told me found out but apparently, there are some kinda dealers selling drugs behind the restroom building at school and that's where they get their shit. at least, it explains their behaviour. it doesn't make it better, though. it only makes it worse. because you know that as long as they'll be under the influence of the stuff, you won't get through to them, no matter what needs to be discussed.
then selling that damn car...i'm getting sick of it. everyone who called for the thing so far were turkish macho guys who thought they could just talk me into giving them the car for free or something. they annoy me so much, i am close to turning into a goddamn feminist like my mum. you just want to bang their heads against the wall 24/7. i haven't called a single one of them back and i doubt i will. i am now pretty much planning to go for the deal and giving my car to the seller where we'll buy the new one. i don't care anymore. all i want is to stop having to meet those idiots.
yesterday, one of the grossest things happened. i was at home, happily munching away on some candy and watching tv court shows when my mum called me and told me to go up to my grandpa because apparently, he had *collapsed*. so, pretty alarmed, i walked up there to be greeted with "hi, i threw up, please clean out the bucket" *GULP* (<<< no, i didn't drink the shit, that's what my reaction was like!!) well, i was just on the way to the bathroom, trying to NOT look into the bucket, when he already went like "where are you? what are you doing? why aren't you here to take the blanket away?" major case of rolling my eyes at him.
ha! i'm sure i've given you some interesting mental images now, too, haven't i?
btw...i made an amazing discovery today. my CD player can play mp3 CDs. aren't those the CDs that you can put...well...uh...quite a lot of songs on? 80 or something? because if that's true...imagine how kickass that would be. i have a 3 CD changer. that would mean, i could put 3 mp3 CDs in there. that would mean, i could listen to 3 CDs and it would take me a whole weekend or something. ok, i doubt i have enough mp3's and i doubt i could just lie around and listen for so long but the thought that it is possible is quite amazing, right?
anyways...i think i'll go play simpsons hit&run now because i have nothing better to do (except study but hey...it's saturday and tomorrow and monday are off, too, so...).
no, wait, that was a lie. well, half a lie. it's not only today. i've been feeling pretty angry for quite some time now. i'm not quite sure why but i guess it has a lot to do with things going wrong in my life. not fully and totally wrong. there's no big disaster that could be life-changing. it's just small things that usually happen in a year and to me, they're happening in a month, so yeah.
anyway, it turns out he's only eating something bad and has to throw up a few times and his *collapsing* was only a case of him feeling dizzy (which does happen when you throw up a few times in a row). nevertheless, i had to listen to him puking and, inbetween, cursing about whatever the hell he came up with until my mum came home. oh, and i had to clean out the bucket a second time, which was the point where i was close to needing my own bucket. especially, when he started telling me what he had eaten and i was getting a nice mental image of what i was flushing down the toilet, even though i was doing my best not to look at it.
jet - are you gonna be my girl?