Home
Archives
Profile
Book
Notes
Mail
Cast
Misc
Rings
Host
cast away? probably not.
2004-10-19
the past days have been the nightmare that i expected. but i'm doing much better at dealing with it than before. maybe because i was prepared for it. i'm hiding "behind" the music most of the time, meaning i almost never take the earplugs out. ms b. already commented on it but i don't care. i told her concentrating is so much easier for me this way and she shut up.
jacqueline called me today. they're still getting married on saturday just without a party. but the idiots had forgotten to pay something and were completely broke. they only needed to pay 10� but didn't even have that. so she wanted me to come round and borrow her the money. well, needless to say i didn't. don't get me wrong, i would have given her the damn 10� but i was almost home when she called...after almost 2 hours of driving and i still had to do some shopping. and going to her would mean almost going back to work. so i had to help her reach annette. it worked and i think they worked something out but i still don't know whether i should bang my head against the desk or laugh my arse off. on the one hand i think this is so stupid, even *I* am embarrassed because she told me about it. but on the other hand, it makes me laugh because that's what endless stupidity does to me.
aww, it's only two days of work and then i'm off to munich. i can't wait to see maja. partly because she's my best friend and partly because she's one of the very very few people who aren't driving me nuts at the moment. well, out of the people i talk to regularly it's probably only her and francis. i can't stand most of the others. (oh well, and remco but we don't really talk regularly, though i love how he always worries about me when he reads my diary *waves to the boss-man*) the reason is probably that most of the people i talk to are co-workers and talk about NOTHING but work, school, finals, studying and blah. though it's really not as bad as i thought it would be. maybe because i am much more relaxed about it. i just force myself not to be jealous when annette asks melanie whether she wants to take a break instead of me. and i just concentrate on my own work (aka music) instead of trying to work in their "team". it's working alright because it makes sense. we just don't have the same strategy, so it's better this way. i suppose. well, it's only been two days, though. who knows what's gonna happen by the end of next week. stress-wise (as in what ms b. is saying and doing), i've already predicted that if it continues being that annoying and draining, i'll be a chain smoker by the end of this week. duh!
we got our temporary references on monday. mine's one of the worst as expected. or maybe it's that *that* bad. the company's made up that idiotic thing about one certain sentence being included which secretly (within the company) means you belong to the 10% of the best. needles to say i don't have it on mine. actually, i don't care because i'm probably not gonna apply within the company anyway. but it annoys me cos everybody's making such a huge deal out of it. annette has it, melanie has it, alex has it. if they were just happy about it, i'd be fine. but they keep going "nah, i don't care whether i have it or not...oh, do you know who else has it?" i just really don't care. i just want to pass the finals and leave. i don't care about details or chances of staying with the company. i don't want to hear or talk about it. yet, that is exactly what we're doing this week and the next. i'm annoyed.
and i'm shitting myself because of the finals. really, i am. not because i don't know anything. yeah, i'm not exactly full of wisdom. but i'll try to get my head around it as good as possible and that's it. i don't need to get the best result, i don't need to be the star, i just wanna pass the whole thing. but what i am seriously afraid of are the numerous oral exams and presentations. i'm so bad at talking in front of people and i sound like an idiot. i've even signed up for a goddamn preparation course for this. i don't even think i'll suck that much because even when i've felt like i've done a crap job, i've always been told that i've done quite alright. but i know i will FEEL crap afterwards simply because i can't be or appear as i want to. i have something in my head and it turns out completely different.
the supernaturals - the day before yesterday's man