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you can't run away from your past...or can you?!
2004-10-14
fuck! fuck! fuck!
today my mum told me that she has met my dad a while ago. she didn't want to tell me but today sort of forget about that and told me anyway. he asked about me. she said i was fine. he asked why i haven't called in almost 2 years. she said because i expect him to call me. he asked whether she thought he should call me. she said yes.
that bitch!
now i'll be all paranoid again. whenever the phone rings, i won't answer it. i won't ever open the door. and i'll never leave the safety of my car when i'm at my hometown. i hate this. i bet he'll have the bright idea of calling me on my birthday. or christmas.
damn, how could she do this to me?! she knows the whole story. she knows i'm trying to leave that behind me. yet she thinks i secretly want him back in my life. why?! yes, of course this was a hard decision to make. of course i know that he's my father. but doesn't she see what this is doing to me? each time it happens? now i'll have to go through this yet again and it's all her fault. she could have turned him off the thought of ever contacting me again. the least she could have done would have been to just tell him that i'm trying not to be hurt again. she could have told him to have some sense and never call me again. but no, she even encouraged him. and the worst thing is, she seems PROUD of it. like "ooooh, i know how much you want to talk to him again..." why?! what have i done to deserve this?
FUCK!
AFI - this time imperfect