Home
Archives
Profile
Book
Notes
Mail
Cast
Misc
Rings
Host
i don't care if you like me
2002-03-18
*sigh* actually, i wasn't gonna update today but now i feel the desperate need to do so. i am just soooo so so so...ack, dunno. actually i don't feel anything. quite a few things happened that should leave me completely pissed off but i'm feeling rather numb. i'm not feeling anything at all. which scares me, in a way. but on the other hand it's quite a relief. compared to depression, sadness and anger it's rather nice. but still...what if what's left of me is just completely unable to feel. just...dunno. you know the people who have such big mental diseases that they just sit in their padded cells, staring at the wall? i'm feeling like one of them at the moment. except that people say they still feel something, they're just unable to express it. with me, there's nothing to express.
things around me are falling apart. everything's going wrong. yet, i can't bring myself to care. love and friendship seem like something so far away from me. and i'm sitting here, watching things happen. like watching a film.
alright, maybe this sounds a little confusing and i should start with the beginning.
today started like a pretty ordinary monday. i went to school (was late again)... but no, wait. the problems started BEFORE school, already. sitting on the train i saw the most gorgeous guy ever. or actually...i dunno, there are guys whose face would be considered more beautiful. he wasn't of the brian molko-kind where you see the face and go like 'WHOA' but he had this thing about him. like...he really IS SOMEONE, you know?! usually you need some time to discover someone's identity but he practically screamed it at me. and his clothes were fab. i mean, imagine a rather tall guy in black buttoned lace shirt and a long black leather coat. you hardly ever see that. maybe at gothic parties or at least in a club at night but not at 8.30am. but it's not only what he wore but how it suited him. it was amazing. it sounds terribly mushy but as soon as i spotted him i only had three words in my head: 'my sweet prince'. seriously. i've never seen anyone whom those three words would suit better. and now to get to my actual point: one would think that, seeing THE MAN HIMSELF, would make me do something. talk to him, smile at him, ask him for his number, hell, ask for the time. but noooo, not me. i keep sitting at my fucking seat and watch him leave. i mean, how sick is that? and why? because i find myself so bloody ugly and unlovable that i'm too shitty to talk to anyone i fancy. there you go! that's the complete and only truth. i hate myself and i can't imagine anyone to like me at all. and being the awful thing that i am, i can't possibly bother that beautiful creature with my ugly self.
and this amazing discovery leads us forward to another point. this is actually why i keep destroying friendships and relationships, too. i hate myself. my friends will never be the ones i want them to be because i'm not the one i wanna be. it's that easy. instead of changing (or at least killing) myself, i keep on trying to convince myself that they're the wrong people. that they're not the friends i want. that they're doing things wrong. while the truth is that the only person who's doing things wrong is myself.
i, however, have no idea what to do with that 'truth' now that i kind of admitted it. i guess, i knew it all the time, but was afraid of what would happen once i was forced to think about it. now i am and if i'd be feeling something, it would probably be fear. i think a truth like that can easily crush someone completely.
i don't know what'll happen to me. i might not even live long enough to find out. i might not even see the next sunrise. right now i don't care.
yeah, i did drink. not much, tho. i don't think i'm drunk. not enough to blame my lack of feeling on it, anyway. i used to be like that before. back then, i just took a knife/scissor and cut my arm. now i don't even want to do that. i don't want to feel temporary pain. i don't want this short little relief and then nothing. this time, i want it to be permanent.
maybe i'm talking nonsense. maybe not.
fuck you all.
-