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every time i rise i see you falling
2002-03-17
arguments. i hate arguments. they're completely useless. without exceptions. i mean, arguments only occur when people have different opinions and attitudes and they can yell and scream and cry and freak out and even get into physical fights but it won't be of any help. you can't change people's minds. usually it doesn't even help for getting to know people's opinions. ok, you listen, you hear about it but do you care? no, you don't. because you're way too pissed off. and even if you do care. what good does it? it's not bringing you any forward or anything.
oh dear, off to lighter topics.
well, i gotta stop here now. gotta call a friend (yeah, i know
stay beautiful!
people say arguments are healthy for each friendship/relationship but i have a hard time believing that. seriously, why do you need them? i've never been into an argument that helped me to solve any general problems. i guess what people mean is that the whole 'forgiving and forgetting' part is quite nice. but then again...you wouldn't need that without an argument. and actually it's not better or worse than the time before arguments, so seriously, why do we keep getting into them? it's not like...a mistake we learn from. but we do it again and again and again. it just makes a big fat ? appear over my head.
especially with my friends. they always seem to say the opposite of what they're thinking. or maybe they're just expressing themselves the wrong way. i dunno, but it annoys me. it's highly confusing and i'm always in danger of saying the wrong things. and when i think i completely fuck up they come along and tell me i'm such a great friend and all. it's really...you just never know how to react and what to do.
i think the actual problem is that they don't realise i'm just a human being. i can't read their minds and i can't always please everyone. it's hard enough to please one of them, really. and i don't live for them, either. i do have my own life, you know. yeah, it is sad and unimportant and boring but i do have one and i'd really like to have a moment to myself every once in a while. when i don't have to think about them. when i don't have to wonder how what i'm doing is gonna affect them. like, when i go out or something i always wonder if they might call to talk about something important. and what if i'm not there? yesterday, i went to see a film and as we all know, in theatres you have to turn your mobile off, which i did. and throughout the entire film, i was worrying if someone might call. and the first thing i did afterwards was turning it on again just to notice i hadn't got any texts/calls. i don't even know if they expect me to always be there for them. but they give me the feeling that i have to be perfect. and whenever i think it is ok to be a bit cooler about it, they suddenly come on and tell me how much i suck. 
this just can't be right. it confuses me so much that i only wanna cry.
i wish, i could pack all my cebo things into a huge back and move into a lonely ickle hut somewhere in greenland or the australian outback or something. i could just be alone there and have the neverending amusement of stefan olsdal who'd entertain me without ever expecting me to say or do anything. and he (and his mates 
) wouldn't grow to like me and wouldn't fall in love with me or anything. i wouldn't feel the need to please them. maybe i'd even take a stuffed toy raccoon or something with me. just incase my self-produced power would ever leave me and i couldn't see my cebo vids anymore. cos cebo wouldn't mind being replaced by the raccoon, either. yeah, it would be an awfully sad life but it would be MY life and noone would actually fight about who gets to plan my next two weeks. ok, they actually don't fight. it seems like they've had this silent agreement of who gets to do what with my life. only i am excluded from it. you know, one goes, the other comes. that one goes and i have to call the next one. bleh! if i don't, i'm the big arsehole!
i went to see 'from hell' yesterday. it is quite a good film. not the best i've ever seen but let's face it...what could possibly beat velvet goldmine? 
johnny depp was ace (as usual) and the other actors were pretty good, too. well, it sucked a bit that i knew after like an hour who was the ripper, but oh well... it's quite long (about 2.5hrs) but it didn't seem like that. only like an hour or so. that's definitely a good thing because i hate films that seem to last forever. the actors can be fantastic and everything else, too, but i still keep thinking how i wanna go home and all.
i'm going to the hairdresser's tomorrow. i really wanna change something. i was thinking about getting my good old blond back and adding some pink (like pink in those damn cool pix of her) but then i remembered my job interview on wednesday. and i can't possibly pull that off. so i'm gonna stay black. but i want a new cut and maybe some colour. maybe i'll ask my lil sweetheart to add some red (anything else would look shit cos it bleaches out and combined with the black it would be a disaster)
) and then get some beauty sleep.
:::liebling::: 
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