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is there love without hate?
2002-05-16
there you go. she said it. my mom's finally said what she really thinks about me. she just said 'you've become a terrible person' to me. and there's no need to pretend she didn't mean it and she just said it because she was angry. i don't believe in that. only when people are angry, they're really honest. because then they say what they really think without worrying about the other person's feeling. so, that means my mom despises me. great! i mean, that means i won't have to rip my arse open to reach anything, anymore. because not even my own mother believes in me, so why should i? i am not complaining as usual. and i won't whine and say that i wanna die and bla bla now. i'm just reporting what happened and drawing my conclusions from it.
stay beautiful!
i'm not even blaming her. why would i? she's goddamn right. today, i even freaked out because my grandpa hurt his arm and has to go into hospital, tomorrow, so my mom can't drive me to the trainstation and i have to go by bus. ok, it is pretty unfortunate and i am right by saying that he's always doing more than he can handle and that's why he gets hurt frequently. but i have no right to be so selfish and not care about him just because i have to go by bus like everyone else.
and maybe i was right when i freaked out about my anti-virus programme because it kept giving me virus warnings though there was no virus. but she's right. i completely freak out and scream like i was burning. no wonder she hates me. i only wish she'd have told me earlier. i always tried to please her and some other people who are close to me because they were the only ones who i thought believed in me. well, obviously they don't. it's kinda soothing to know that. i mean, i can lean back and fuck my life up even more without feeling guilty because noone expects me to do better, anyway. i always tried to do things i hated because i thought that was what people wanted me to do. but in reality, they were just waiting for me to screw up.
fuck, i wish they'd told me earlier!
liebling
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