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~::*::~stuck between the do or die~::*::~
2002-04-12
ah, don't you know the awful feeling of starting a new entry after the last one's been so...awful? some things are just written in a rage and afterwards, you even feel slightly embarrassed about it. but i can't bring myself to delete an entry because i know that, if i do it once, i'll do it again and again which will basically destroy the whole meaning of this diary. because i could just...delete the past...the truth and stuff, you know?! that would be fake. life isn't like that, either. you can't delete things you don't want to have in your history. unfortunately.
stay beautiful!
but, oh well, i'll get over it. it's not the first time that you've read something like that here and i'm not the only one who has rather not-so-happy entries in her diary.
today, i noticed that i don't seriously wanna die and that it's not life itself or this world or whatever i hate so much. i'm just fed up with my life. i'm tired of doing nothing. i'm tired of the same non-existent future plans. i'm tired of the friends i have. or...no, that's mean and not true. that's not what i wanted to say. i love my friends. they're great. it's rather that i'm tired of the friends i don't have. i read quite a few cool diaries of cool people, lately. and they all had such cool stuff to tell. like, what they did with their friends, what clubs/concerts they went to with them and stuff. i can't do that. because most of my friends live rather far away. and the others just don't have the same tastes/interests. actually, i kinda think it's great to have friends with different interests because otherwise it would be like talking to yourself, all the time. but i'd like to have one person to do everything with. who's just as fucked-up and insane as me. and we'd do all sorts of crazy shit. like, 'hey, let's just move our butts over to london, next month' or 'c'mon, let's go to this-and-that concert' or just spent a whole night sitting on a bench outside with a bottle of vodka and telling each other how we feel. *sigh*
apart from that...don't you just hate it when it feels like you're a bad friend? like, today, i got a txt from sabrina telling me she thought it was over between her and her boyfriend. and, i mean, of course, i sent her a txt back pretending to be all interested and shocked. but actually, i didn't give a shit. not because i'm not interested in her but because she's burying me in news about her boyfriend and everyday, there's a new drama going on between them and at some point, it's just not interesting, anymore. especially because i don't even know the guy. it is ok, if she wants me to listen and i'll always be there to listen but i can't say anything about it and i can't bring myself to care. and i mean, it's so hard to actually care when she tells me how they break up or have arguments, every few days and each time, everything's fine again, soon after. after some time, you just know that it's nothing real bad. it's like that with many things. i even caught myself thinking that she should just stop worrying. she's 17 and it's very unlikely that this is the man she's gonna spend the rest of her life with. i hate myself for it but i sometimes think stuff like that about people who are younger than me. i'm sooo the mommy-type with this. i still remember how awful i found it when people told me that my problems only seemed so big because i was a teenager and stuff. yet, i do that, too. i know, i'm right but i also know it never helps. but how do you handle a teenager's problems when you know they'll solve themselves, sooner or later? when you know that nothing can be done about it? being completely indifferent only makes people think you don't care about them. but interfering is pointless, too. *sigh* see, i sound like a bloody mother, again. and i don't even want kids! 
btw, if you're wondering how that little episode from my last entry ended: i won! 
i gave my mom the silent treatment for about 2 hours. mainly to save my power. and then i started the final strike: i started a huge discussion and yelled and cried and told her how silly she was behaving and was accusing her of being ignorant because she wouldn't accept another countries currency and their method of payment and how narrow-minded she seemed and just how childish the whole thing was because i didn't even want her to pay for anything. and it worked. she made a weak attempt of turning me off the whole thing by telling me i'd have to pay for the visa-card as long as it's going parallel to amex but pff. who cares? 
i was already offering to pay for the visa-card, anyway, so why would that shock me?
anyway, this means, if you're ever gonna get in contact with me, be prepared...i always get what i want. if it doesn't take too much effort to get it, that is. hehe.
alright, my darlings, that's all for now. i gotta get some sleep. seriously.
~::*::~liebling~::*::~
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