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~::*::~good day to die~::*::~
2002-04-11
MY MOTHER IS A FUCKING ANNOYING SILLY BITCH!!!
stay beautiful!
right now i just want her to go away or die or whatever. i hate her. she HAS to be right, all the time. she's a fucking smartass.
today, i got mail from silver rocket (placebo fanclub) and i've really been looking forward to that moment, for ages. i was practically depending my whole sad freaking life on that short moment when i can finally say 'yes, i'm a member (again)'. but nooo, they were telling me that they can't accept cheques that are made payable in �. so, we went to the bank and asked what bankers drafts are and how it works but they said that would be too expensive. and before, my mom said that, if it wasn't possible to use that method, she's change her credit card company from amex to visa. and now, the stupid bitch just refuses to do that. she said SR should give me bank account details and she'd transfer the money but i explained to her about 28973496 fucking times that other people've asked for that, before, and they won't do that. and then, she said that if they're not gonna do that, i can't join which is the same as a 3 y.o. saying 'if tommy doesn't give me his toy car, i am not gonna talk to him, again'. GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!! she's freaking me out. she's behaving like a fucking kid!! i mean, she said she doesn't give a fuck which credit card she has. it's mainly for my orders from foreign contries, anyway. and she only has it because i can't get my own one, yet. so why doesn't she fucking change the fucking credit card company right fucking NOW????? 
maybe, i should try to explain what this means to me. see, i guess, you got a pretty good idea about what my life looks like in my previous entries. and i guess you can see how i'm feeling. and see, it's like...i need simple good things happening in my life to keep going. i was really REALLY depending my happiness on this. it would have cheered me up. i would have felt better. small things like that are the only things that keep me from going under. and this was the only good thing i was expecting. i haven't ordered anything else. i'm not gonna go to any concerts. i don't expect any bands to come on tour, soon. nothing. the future's just...grey. i know, it sounds stupid. i know, it IS stupid. but it's nothing you can just explain. it's nothing...ordinary. it's not like saying 'my walls are blue' and that's it. if you don't know depression, you don't know how weird it is and what weird things can get you out of them or into them.
if this happened to 'normal' people, they'd just go like 'aww, that's bad but oh well...' but *I* will think about it, for ages. i will be constantly thinking 'i could order merchandise, now. aww, soon, i'd get the next SR issue. stef might be posting on the SR forum, now. i'm never gonna be able to reply to his posts. i won't ever go to any fanclub gigs...' and so on. and in my current situation/state of mind that's actually enough to completely destroy me.
i wanna die. i really want to. not only becaus of that. but you know what it's like with me, at the moment. i've no future. now, i don't even have a fucking SR membership. i'm such a loser. i don't even manage to become a member. how am i supposed to become a worker? or anything else? my life is a complete waste of whatever it takes to create a life. the only thing i do, is waste other people's resources and oxygen. ok, if i die, i'll waste space on a graveyard but oh well...they can aswell just drop me in the river. 
and i don't want any mails by friends telling me how great i am and that i'm gonna get an apprenticeship and all. i know, you just do it because you like me and you wanna cheer me up and all but fer elvis' sake...let's be honest...i won't get an apprenticeship. not this year and not next year and just...never! and i'll never get a job, either. and i will never move to england and i'll just hang around in this chair in this room in this flat in this house in this town in this country. and then i'll die. finally. the sooner the better.
gawd, i'm even wasting poor andrew's space here at diaryland. and everybody's time, too. why are you reading this? i'm not worth it!!! i'm not even worth to be listened to by my own mother. my attitude, ideas, values, morals and tastes are not even worth being taken serious. go and read the diary of someone who has a nice diary with a nice template. who writes exciting stuff about their exciting life. who's not sick like me.
i'm gonna go and lie in my bed now. and wait til i die. i might not have the guts to slit my wrists. but i can still just lie around somewhere and wait til i starve or whatever....
:::liebling:::
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