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The Games We Play
2005-08-11
*sigh* He's doing it again.
[01:43:53] XXX: You will be my girlfriend
I just don't know how to act around him anymore. I don't know what to say or do. Lying to him and agreeing with everything would be so easy. But this is one of the few occasions in my life where I just want to be honest and not try to get by with little lies. Sometimes I think that it wouldn't be such a bad idea to meet up with him. He once said he loves me no matter what. So that would be like a guaranty to get laid, I suppose. But the question is: Do I want to sink so low? Well, not for sex. For food maybe...
In other news, I'm becoming dangerously addicted to World Of Warcraft. Two nights ago, I teamed up with a dude to solve a few quests. It was so much fun. Then, he had to go to bed after about an hour and I stayed on for another two hours. I am mostly spending my nights in front of the game now. Yesterday, I got a little ahead of myself, though. I went to that Westfall area in the game and was suddenly facing all sorts of level 11-13 creatures. I'm only level 10. I'm SO not going there again until I reach 15 or more. *blush*
I think I will go have a look around the other sites now. Just to have the feeling that I am doing something. And then I will have to plunge into another round of WOW because I need to go to bed earlier tonight. Or maybe not since I can sleep after the appointment. Or during it, for that matter.
I am thinking about erasing his existence from my life. Delete him from my buddy lists and if there will be any, also ignore his calls / text messages. But then I will end up really hating myself. Yet, there doesn't seem to be a way to get him to see that this is not gonna work. Which it isn't. Yes, I know I am not really giving it a chance but I don't have to to know it wouldn't work. We have nothing in common, I am not attracted to him and it's like...any other person I see in the street. He doesn't necessarily have to die or vanish but I don't really care if he's there, either. Ok, that must be a lie because I care enough to not tell him to piss off. But that's because I've known him...hell, longer than I've known Maja. He was one of the first people I ever talked to on the net. So sure, I've become a little attached to him. But not much. It's the kind of affection you feel towards an old rug that you find butt-ugly and don't really want in your place anymore but you leave it there because it has been there since you moved in. I know it's not very charming to speak of someone like that but those are basically my feelings towards him. He once told me he wanted to kill himself and I felt nothing. How sad is that?
Talking to him is like talking to a child. He might be listening but he doesn't get the essential things you're saying. For example I say "It won't work because we have nothing in common. We don't like the same things. We wouldn't even be able to decide on what music we should listen to." Then he asks me what bands I like and the next day he proudly announces that he listened to some AFI tunes. Or the other day he came 'round telling me how he had bought himself a copy of The Sims. Like that would solve the whole problem. Wow, now he knows what I listen to and we have the same computer game. But will that get us anywhere? No, it won't. It's so tiring, yet I put up with it. What's wrong with me? Am I that much of an attention-craving whore that I actually need this shit?
I've got this stupid useless appointment with the job agency tomorrow morning, though. Which means I will have to get up at 6. I already know that they won't have anything helpful to say. I don't even know why I'm going there. Ok, I'm doing it for them to see that I am trying to do something to get a new job. Because me sending them the receipts for stamps isn't proof enough. Though I really haven't done too much on that field, yet. There's just nothing interesting. I wrote ONE letter today. I'm getting a StepStone newsletter thing with suggestions everyday. It usually contains about 10-20 suggestions. And only every second or thirs email actually contains about one half-way interesting or possible-to-get job.
Oh yeah, I made chocolate muffins today and added white chocolate bits. I love myself for ideas like that. <3
AFI - Girl's Not Grey