Home Archives Profile Book Notes Mail Cast Misc Rings Host



The Moaning Entry

2005-08-13


Another sad story of my current state: I've been a little miserable and definitely full of anger and bad mood today. Then, I went on the Despair Faction Forum and saw that Davey had posted a few replies to people's questions and it made me feel all fuzzy inside. And it wasn't even my questions being answered because I've never posted one there. Sad!

I don't know, I'm just not feeling well, lately. And it's only partly related to me being unemployed and pretty much useless.

It's also because I had to face another truth about me. For one reason or another I was forced to realize that I hate changes. Especially changes in other people. I hate seeing them change and I hate waking up one day, realizing that they have changed so much, I wouldn't even recognize them anymore if it wasn't for our frequent contact. It doesn't even matter if it is a good change that makes people happy or a bad one that makes them miserable. I just wish people and things around me would stay as they are forever. Unless it is required for them to adjust to themselves to my current state. Because I am allowed to change, of course. But only when it is a good change and it just...happens. I hate having to change things or even knowing about them. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am really just a bad, bad person. I think they would have ended up burning me back during the witch hunting days. Being happy for other people is so hard for me, and often impossible.
I like to think that it is people's own fault because during my childhood / youth I was alone so much. So I'm simply not used to having to care about other people. It was usually just me, myself and I. I wish Ivana would come online. She's the only one I can realy bare talking to lately. Because she has this...non-pressing air about her. We're mostly just bullshitting around and during the few deeper talks we have, she doesn't try to force her opinions on me. Which I know isn't what other people are trying to do but I often feel small and stupid compared to them. When I talk to Maja for example, I often feel like talking to some sort of authority. Like I just have to agree or there well be no TV tonight. When I talk to Tina, I feel boring and useless. When I talk to my mum, I feel like the biggest disappointment of her life. And Annette? Well, I love spending time with her but she's not a good listener. I often feel like I'm freaking her out when I try to mention really personal things. Talking to Tanja made me feel good until I started feeling like I'm always complaining to her and she makes even the bad things in her life seem all bright and sunny. Yes, I definitely need Ivana to bullshit around with her a little. That kind of manages to cheer me up most of the time.

Another thing that will surely make me feel better is Willy Wonka. Yes, I am finally going to see it tomorrow. I wanted to do so today but then decided to go and buy a webcam as that is the one no lifer-internet junkie item that was missing in my life so far. Now I've got one and am not using it because I don't like posting pictures of me on the interweb. But the important thing is that I own one (in addition to my already existing digicam and the cellphone cam). Anyway, my point was: So I'm seeing Johnny Depp already. And who knows, maybe my first review on our new website won't be music-related after all...if we ever finish making it, that is.


blur - song 2



Previous - Next