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self-analysis
2003-01-04
don't you sometimes wish life was like a digital thing? i do. the more i use computers/vcr's/dvd players/etc. the more i wish the functions would work in RL, too. today was the perfect example. i finally went to the hairdresser's and got my hair cut. it took about 3 hours and i am a terribly impatient person. i got loads of hair cut off (about 20cm or more). and i got red highlights. and it took ages. first she cut the hair off which already nearly killed me. then she had to care for my mom's hair (who also got her hair cut today) so i had to wait about half an hour. then she put the colour in and i had to wait almost an hour with all that stuff and foil in my hair and stuff. i swear, i could receive a radio station through the aluminium stuff on my head. so, i was really wishing for a bloody fast forward button. i'm always quite nervous when i'm getting anything done to my hair. this time there was absolutely no need for that, though. though i am a very modest person (hihihaha) i have to admit it looks awesome. it's SO me. it really suits me and i'm really happy with it though i haven't had such short hair since i was 16 or something. it's hard to explain, though. it's like...uh...getting shorter to the front and ends a little frizzy and uhm...the ends at the front are curled inside so it kinda frames my face and at the back they're curles outside. and of course it's black with red highlights. i should post a pic but i'm too lazy to install the webcam software on my lappy and change the cam's batteries and all. i might add one, later. it's quite sad that i have nowhere to go today, though. well, i could call some people and ask if they want to go out but i wouldn't survive that. i only slept for 3 hours or something last night.
i also had a very worrying thought today. i'm probably making things seem worse again but when i look back at all those friends i've had in my life it seems like i am not able to have friendships for longer than a few months...maybe 2 or 3 years if i'm lucky. i dunno why that is so. it's just a fact. i've had about 5 or so 'best friends' in my life already. and it was always like 'we'll stay friends forever' but it never lasted. as soon as one of us changed schools or moved away or got a new hobby, it all fell apart again. i don't even know if it was my fault but it seems like that. i have to admit, the friendships were actually never deep enough to call them 'best friend' but they always were the closest friends i had at the time which makes the whole thing even worse. so maybe it was just bound to fall apart. but i can't deny that i've always felt a great deal of indifference about it all. it was always 'hmm, i could call xxx again...but maybe i'll do that later, she won't remember me anyway' or something like that. i never really missed them, either. but i mean...they didn't call, either. so that probably means it didn't mean all that much to them and i shouldn't feel bad about it. it's just that it makes me think. i have friendships with maja and mariam for fairly long now and it seems to be ok and i'm just wondering if that'll finally last. maybe because i'm older and wiser now...
ps: our site, deep-obsession.com has a message board now. how about going here and checking it out? ;)
they probably think it's falling apart anyway. i haven't called them in ages. which is mainly because i am feeling quite anti-social lately. i just wanna go and dig my own little hole in the ground to live there on my own for a while.
...and i just noticed that i'm doing it again. i keep writing stuff like i was explaining something to people. which i'm not intending to. but i noticed quite a few times that people respond to my entries. they think i am talking to them and explaining things to them which i'm not. at least i don't intend to.
gosh, i hate all that 'i'm analyzing myself'-shit. i've done this so often since i got this diary. it taught me quite some stuff about myself but it still annoys me when i catch myself doing it.
so i'll better go and watch 'dawson's creek' and 'charmed' and all that other stuff now. yey.
mesh - leave you nothing