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letting off steam

2003-01-05


ok, this is gonna be my worst entry so far. i know that. i can feel it in my urine, so to say.
i don't like talking 'to' or 'about' people in this diary when i am mad at them and actually have something to discuss with them. but now i really have no desire to discuss it with them and we'll get to the reasons later.

right, as you might have guessed, i'm talking about maja. and i basically needed to put the link up here now because you might wanna read her latest entry to understand why i am ready to explode.
well, it all started yesterday. i txted her to ask if she would be online later. just because i wanted to ask her opinion on something. nothing big, nothing special. so she txted back and blablabla. and we basically ended up having an argument about...well, i still haven't figured out about what it was. i mean, she txted back ages later when i had already made the decision and it was nothing i needed her to give me permission to or anything anyway. plus, who am i to tell her to come on right now at this very moment just because i want that? she, however, then got all pissy again going 'fine, good to know you don't need me' and i am sorry, but i didn't do ANYTHING to make her feel that way or whatever, so i just didn't txt back anymore cos i can't take any more of those 'i'm so unimportant'-arguments. and precisely that pisses me off now. she does exactly the same in her entry. though my name isn't mentioned anymore i KNOW she meant me as well. probably not me alone but still...
it annoys me. no, it PISSES ME OFF! i don't wanna be blamed for non-existent problems anymore. because the problems she mentioned don't exist. i don't know what the actual problem is but definitely not the ones she puts her finger on. just because i don't tell her to come online IMMEDIATELY, she says i think she's unimportant. fine, great, but i never said that and if SHE makes it up, i don't wanna be blamed for it, dammit.

i mean, if we're gonna be THAT picky, i could come up with a million reasons why it seems to me like i wasn't important to her. it's not like she always went around saying 'oh, you're so important to me, either' and always putting me on top of her priority list. and i don't need that, either. i don't need 24/7-contact to know who my friends are. either you feel right about your friends or you don't.
to give one example, it always annoys me when she goes 'oh, i dunno if i can come to london with you/visit you/whatever because i dunno if i'll be able to afford it' and tells me the next day what expensive things se's gonna buy/trips she's gonna make/etc. but fine, ok, i mean, everybody has their priority list of things to do in life and if doing whatever it is with me has to be no.2 or 3 or so on that list for a while, i'm ok with that. never in my life would make a big fuss out of it. plus, i don't think she means it as bad as it seems in that moment.
and i basically don't ask for more than her to understand that what seems terrible to her often isn't meant that way. to just think twice of how things people say or do could be meant before she goes and makes them feel bad for nothing.

k, i'm done ranting now. i guess this entry will cause even more of a fuss now but i can't be arsed to contact her about it now because this issue seems too weird to me to have a big discussion about it.


robbie williams - karma killer



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