Home
Archives
Profile
Book
Notes
Mail
Cast
Misc
Rings
Host
lots of pain and bleeding...
2003-10-03
i hate having to whine again but this is my diary and if you can't stand it, just leave. or better yet, click here to go to a website that is full of fun and happiness...but for fuck's sake, leave me alone with your "be happy"-shit, you hippies!
so, what happened this time? i hear the ones of you that didn't leave ask.
*sigh* i wish i could afford my own place. i wish so very very badly. but i can't. i mean, even if i did cut down on some things. i just couldn't.
you know what's almost ridiculously funny? my mom recently discovered her love for those oh-so-serious talk shows. you know, where celebs and other people go to tell the story of their life. kind of like...oprah. isn't it funny how she can listen for hours to strangers telling stuff about normal things like "i went to school in..." but she doesn't even care about any small little thing her daughter could be saying?
on a "lighter" note...i have no idea what's wrong with maja and me but i know there is something wrong. so i guess next weekend will be funny to say the least as we won't have a chance to talk til then. *rolls eyes at self*
someone kill me, please!
well, my mother (oh, shut the fuck up!) is a fucking selfish and ignorant cunt. yeah, ok, so am i but at least i don't ask what's wrong when she's moaning about things. i tell her to shut up immediately. she, well, she pretends she cares and when i tell her something she rolls her eyes and gives me the feeling to be all useless and dumb.
just like now...i was surfing around trying to find out some prices and all about MD car radios. simply because the sounds with a CD-cassette adapter just sucks ass and i want better sound and i have tons of MDs so there... and as usual i was talking to myself in confusion. this is nothing new and usually, my mom's holding the world record in people-ignoring. well, today for some reason, she decided to be all motherly and ask me what i was doing. so i told her. and i hadn't even finished the first sentence ("well, i was looking up prices for md car radios and...") and she already rolled her eyes and sighed in this "you are so stupid"-kind of way. i mean, it makes me wonder why she gets upset when i say that i want to die. at least she wouldn't have to deal with the little idiot that is me. for fuck's sake, i am 20. i should be allowed to decide what i want to have in my car and just generally what i want to do. ok, i guess i am but still. i don't want to get this reaction from her all the time. everything i do is stupid, everything i say is pointless, my opinion sucks, the things i like are shit, everything i believe in is crap...really, why shouldn't i just die, then? or cease to exist? i mean, sitting in my room all day without thinking or doing anything and without any opinion is just about the same, isn't it? and that's pretty much what she wants me to do. since i'm a fuck-up anyway.
i mean...gawd, every stupid bloody fucking thing the cat does is more important and much more interesting than anything i could ever do. he pukes on the floor and it's all nice and fluffy. i just want to buy a stupid car radio and it makes me a sick fuck-up. well, thank you very much.
what bothers me the most is that she doesn't even seem to notice it. she just insults me like that (and it IS an insult) and then keeps on munching her FUCKING candy and talks happily about silly stuff on tv or whatever. and then she's wondering why i'm pissed off and glaring at her without even replying to her idiotic remarks about the tv. i don't know how often i told her to stop ignoring me and making me feel like that. but she just ignores that, too. bitch. maybe next time i should just start beating her with large, heavy things and then she'd notice something. well, she'd mainly notice the pain, i suppose. and then she's still give me those "i don't know what you want from me..."-looks.
stabbing westward - what do i have to do?