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A new beginning of sorts
2005-08-02
I just had to get rid of the old design. And also of my bad habit of writing everything in low caps. It seems I've grown out of those things. Neither of those are ME. So this is as good a time to get rid of them as any, eh?
I was feeling bad all of yesterday and today because I never get around to update this site though there really is a lot on my mind. But I decided it's probably to do with me meeting so many really sweet people lately. I only half-heartedly placed another penpal ad (or rather: I refreshed an old one) and I mostly expected Ghanaian (sp?) guys to write to me and ask me to marry them. But I got some really awesome mails which totally surprised me. And I'm now corresponding with those people regularly. We write really long and open e-mails / letters and I'm enjoying it a lot. It's pretty much like writing here except that I get a direct response but not from someone I know personally (though I often feel like it). Nevertheless, I am scared of suddenly...growing out of this diary because it's given me so much over the past, wow, almost four years. I think it's kept me sane because it allowes me to rant about the same little things over and over again without telling me to shut up.
And I still can't decide what's worse, getting fired and being unemployed and poor or enduring yet more days like that.
No, I didn't make this template myself (as you might have guessed by stumbling across the credits on the right). I just got so sick of the old not me-design that I couldn't even delete it soon enough so I decided to just look for one on the net. I didn't really have much hope until I came across this one and instantly fell in love with it. Strangely, I only later (while I was already arranging everything to copy the code) that I actually noticed it was using AFI lyrics. Which only makes it better, of course.
Only recently, I've really come to appreciate that side of the whole thing. Because I had a long and painful argument with my mum in which she basically told me that I want to be unhappy and that I will never be happy because I will never learn to just accept myself and my life as it is without constantly wanting more. I guess she's right but I didn't really expect my mum to tell me this. She's supposed to support me and cheer me up. It also hurts to know that she's not getting what's going on inside me. It's not like I really want to be unhappy. I mean, yeah, I guess I've learnt to somewhat "enjoy" being miserable and wallowing in self-pity. But that is because I am not happy and I have only become accustomed to the situation. I mean, every morning, I drag my arse to work and feel as miserable and almost suicidal as I haven't felt ever since I left my first school some time in 2001. I really really hate my current job because of so many little things that make it unbearable for me. Like, I'm not good at selling the stuff I'm supposed to sell, I can't lie at the customers, I can't deal with angry, bossy customers and I don't get along with any of the full-time employees. So it's like back at school where I had no friends, sucked at most subjects and was put down by the teachers, as well, because my parents weren't filthy rich. So yeah, I am trying to cheer myself up. For example I make mental lists of all the people I like and I tell myself "Hey, only 7 hours and I can go home!" or I try to think of all the good things I have planned. But quite often, it is not working. And I'm also becoming paranoid. For example today we were only 3 people during the first 2 hours of our shift. I was there first, then M. arrived and S. was pretty late. He looked at me, then went and took some other desk. And I kept wondering why he didn't sit next to me. Which was bullshit because he didn't sit next to M., either. And when we're so few on our floor, we usually sit far from each other because we want to get the best desks (close to the windows, good look at the screens, etc.). But stupid me had to go all "Everybody hates me!" again.
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