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is this all you have to say?
2002-04-02
wow! my first entry that was pre-written in my little 'beary' notebook. actually, it was just a few minutes after i'd written the last entry when i wrote this but adding another one after half an hour seemed too stupid, even for me. also, jimmy eat world were playing just then and i didn't wanna miss that. so let's see what i came up with...
something happened a few minutes ago. my 'boss: from ASG asked me about a mobile number who's owner had called him at 2am and woken him up. he was really pissed off because the person had callem him several times but never said anything, when he answered the phone. i didn't know the number but i have my theories about who it might have been. actually, it's none of my business and i could aswell keep out of it, which i will, don't worry. nevertheless, it pisses me off. apart from the fact that i always hated such prank phone calls and think they're incredibly childish and cheap, i also think that the 'boss' has already taken enough shit from certain people. some people seem to see him as the 'nerd'. maybe it's their way of making fun of the school nerd. since they can't beat the shit out of him, they'll annoy him via the phone and chat and stuff. don't get me wrong, i'm not an angel, either. i've made several jokes on his costs, too. but at least i know where to stop. there's a difference between having some fun and just annoying the crap out of someone and being a total arse.
so, that's how i've been feeling last nite. and i'm still very much feeling like that. no, it's worse. see, this morning, after i had woken up, i lay in bed for a while and thought about things. and i can feel a friendship dying. and it scares me. because i've never felt it, before. usually, i just woke up one day and it was gone. and it's never been particularly sad because so much had happened that it was just a consequence life had taken. now, i can feel it break and i'm completely unable to change anything. i didn't realise, earlier, but maybe that was what kept me down for quite some time.
stay beautiful!
apart from that, i'm a little upset because while watching JEW play, i drifted away a bit and actually came to think of how many people i actually talked to on the net and in general today. and how many of those few ones really cared or if they just talked to me to kill some time. i've been thinking about this a lot, recently. there are days when i don't spek to anyone except myself and my mom. and then there are days, when a huge bunch of people suddenly start talking to me. and if you look at what we're talking about, you see that 99% of them only talk to me because they want something. 'can you help me with this?' 'can you do that?' 'what's wrong with ASG?' stuff like that. they never contact me just to talk to me. i've started conversations a few times but now i stopped trying because i reckon they don't care. so why bother? maybe i'm too boring for them, maybe i'm too different or too sick. i don't know. i wonder what would happen if i just said 'fuck you!' and never helped them, anymore. probably, they'd turn it all around, so i'd be the bad one. and they'd complain and say i'm a mean and evil person. yeah, right...
you know, i guess this is starting a while riot, again. everyone, no matter if they're meant here, will come up to me and tell me how this is so not true and how i'm doing things wrong and how this is so not fair. but, hey, have you ever wondered why the hell i am feeling so ignored by you and so abused? probably not because i am imagining things! c'mon, start picking on me and pouting and ignoring me even more. i am beyong caring. if this is what they call friendship, please let me quit here and now.
i'm 100% sure that the person i mean it gonna read this sooner or later. but somehow i can't bring myself to care. usually, i'd be afraid of hurting her and not write everything, here, but that's over. why hiding the obvious? i'd contact her, personally, instead of writing this here but why bother? i know she'd just make me look like the evil bitch again. like i was trying to hurt her or anything. and i'm not feeling like being accused like that. i dunno if she can't take being criticized or if she doesn't care about our friendship. i don't even know what on earth has happened to this friendship, lately. all i know is that she doesn't think it's necessary to tell me anything, anymore and any try of getting to talk to her is completely aborted by her because she's immediately blocking me. so, what do you reckon i should do? just let it die? wait for her to do/say something? i have no idea.
:::liebling::: 
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