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do you envy me?
2003-06-01
i know it's sad but yay, it's monday tomorrow. i'm so bored. and have been all day. it was very sunny here today but i didn't go out. why? i don't know. i've spent a fairly large amount of my time thinking about the big why. why my life is so boring. why i suck so much. and all i can up with is a pathetic 'because'. i don't know...it's not like i'm really that boring. it's not that i don't want to do things. it's just that i can never think of anything that would amuse me the slightest bit. and if i bring myself to do just something i usually bore me through the day until i can go home again. and with most things that involves having many people around i also feel insecure. no matter how much i tart myself up and how much i like my looks when i leave home...as soon as i get to the place i feel ugly and small and unworthy. i'm almost paranoid. i think everyone is looking at me and laughing. when people that are a mile away only giggle a little i immediately think it's because of me. i started wearing completely randomly strange clothes to give them a reason to look and then act all arrogant and be like 'i am doing this on purpose' just so they don't see me as some sort of victim. but of course, they still do.
see? i told you i think too much.
i watched 'hedwig and the angry inch' today. i thought it rocked. though i only got half of it as i was doing something else simultaneously. i have to watch it again some time. the music, however, definitely rocks my socks.
anyway, i'll go play sims now...
i think many people that know me in RL will describe me as arrogant. but it's just some sort of shelter. it's easy to hide behind it. arrogance saves you from a lot of trouble. for one people think you're looking down on them before they can even start looking down on you. and also very few people will try to get through this wall and get to know me better. this, again, means that very few people will find out what a boring person i really am. this helps me a lot. i know it's wrong and i am probably ruining quite a few things for myself there but what can i do? i just can't take all those looks anymore. and i don't want people to look down on me. so i rather get them to be scared of or turned off by me...
i think that's also why i feel comfortable being around people like sabrina. in a way she's so shallow and superficial and so openly self-conscious that it makes me feel entirely superior. i sometimes really look down on her because she always tries to be exactly like the world wants her to be and that what i find highly ridiculous. but at the same time i admire her so much because she manages her life pretty well and is so independent.
which makes me wondering...why do actual sad parts of our lives sometimes make us feel so superior? i mean, for example when i go on the placebo forum and i tell someone who's going to one gig that i am seeing the band quite a few times, i feel so great and i've been told more than once that people envy me. but why should they? doesn't my obsession for this band just prove a lack of social life and also one of responsibility as i skipped work for this? aren't they doing a far better job at managing their life because they prefer being with friends and doing their job to travelling the country to see this band? it's so twisted.
my mom said my new cam will probably already arrive tomorrow. that would rock even more as it gives me enough time to find out how everything works and stuff. another 'thing' that will arrive tomorrow is a friend of my mom's. she'll be here when i come home from work and somehow this annoys me. i just want to stretch out in front of the tv but my mom has already made it clear that i'm expected to sit down with them and have some cake then.
ever since my mom got ill everything has become a bit erratic anyway. for example it was just some sort of rule that no one would break with that we'd have lunch around 1pm on weekends. now no one really cares anymore and we just eat when everyone agrees the time is alright. in a way that's cool because the strict time schedule always went on my tits anyway. but it's hard to break with your own habits, really.
no doubt - running