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'tschuldigung

2003-06-06

i am truly sorry for not updating frequently. i don't know why. i'm not getting sick of this or anything. i still think of possible things to write in here all day. in fact i sometimes spent ages formulating entries about things happening to me in my head. but once i sit down in front of my laptop my mind goes blank and i can't think of anything to write. therefore i found my latest entries a bit dull and superficial and didn't want to bore you all with stuff like that.

anyway, the last few days have been a little up and down, really. or like brian put it last wednesday: "a rollercoaster ride" (he referred to the gig, though). in a way i was am very happy with what things are like. i am gonna see placebo tomorrow and also in august again and probably at the end of the year as well, maja is here, i have nothing to worry about at the moment. yet, i am feeling down. and it seems to have become some sort of sick tradition that i am always feeling down when i should be happier than ever. the problem is that i can't even analyze what might be wrong as i'm going through phases with this. i don't wake up and go 'oh, i am unhappy today' and then it lasts. sometimes i am perfectly fine and a little fluffball bursting with happiness and the next minute i'm dying of depression.
also, i've had the worst ever talk with my mother on tuesday. it started with my new digicam not working properly (or rather the USB connection to my comp) and me freaking cos that meant i wouldn't be able to upload pics from the gig next day. and then we yelled at each other a bit until i broke down and cried and actually confessed to my mom how crap i was feeling and how i think my entire life sucks and how i can never get anything done and how my dad hurt me and all. and she spent ages calming me down. i don't think she fully understood what i was trying to say but that's ok. i think all mothers are a bit blind when it comes to their children. but at least she knows about my self-loath and everything now which makes things a little better. at least it's an explanation for many times that i seem to be acting all weird.
i am sure most of the whole feeling bad-thing is about the weather, though. everyone's complaining about it. it's hot and humid and all and i am having a headache all the time. i can't even begin to list all the different pills i've taken against several kinds of pain and sickness the past few days...
anyway, i'll get to see placebo again tomorrow and i'll try to cheer myself up by going to sleep now because finally sleeping for longer than 4 or 5 hours will make me feel better...

ps: as you might have noticed i have two new banners running. so...welcome to everyone who got here by clicking on one of them *waves*

rachel stamp - didn't i break my heart over you?

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