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mmmkay
2003-05-31
my hometown sucks. ok, that's nothing new but today i thought about everything here for a while and, oh my gawd, it *really* sucks. not only don't we have any record stores around anymore but you also can't get any decent magazines around. i asked my mom to get me the rolling stone today since she was going grocery shopping anyway and she couldn't get it anymore. and i mean, i was asking for the fucking rolling stone. not some rare underground or not-so-well-known mag. i understand if people here say they don't have visions in stock because it's not worth it but you have to have some variety and just *one* music mag (and also the most popular) certainly isn't too much to ask for, is it?
i haven't seen my date for almost half a year now. i know that's in no relation to the previous paragraph but it just popped into my head. somehow i really want to call him and ask what went wrong this time. but i'm too proud for that. i want him to think i don't care about him at all because i want him to feel like i've been feeling so often. i am expecting him to call any time now. to blame me for everything. to tell me how i fucked up this time. to make me feel even worse. but not this time. i have a perfect plan of paying him back.
or maybe i am just going through a phase again. after all, it's summer again and it's hot and i always get a bit depressed then. it's because it's too hot to move, so i hang around pretty bored all the time which gives me way too much time to think about random things. i'm even looking forward to monday when i can go to work again. annette and i complain about it a lot but the truth is that it's not so bad. we are with our group and, even though we're not good friends with them, we're still among people and we have something to do and we have each other and laugh a lot.
BUT i ordered a digicam today. instead of a CD changer for my car. i decided getting one would suck since i'll probably get a new car next year. and i'll save loads of money when i don't need to get films processed after each gig. i can't wait to use it. i ordered it with 24h service and i hope it'll be here by tuesday. well, it should. no, it must.
i definitely have to move to a better place as soon as possible. i can't even blame anyone for this place sucking so much. if it's full of people who prefer having other shops and events then i guess it's ok but i am terribly unhappy here as i'm not interested in clothes that britney spears and atomic kitten wear. nor do i want to go to techno clubs or anything. and always driving hours to go to a good gig isn't really great, either...when if he calls i'll stay cool. and i'll tell him that i refuse to take the blame. and then i'll ask him why he never calls back and why he is unable to blame himself for his mistakes.
i am so sick of everything. it's always the same. the same crap, the same arguments, the same mistakes, the same problems... not only with my dad but with everyone. i am also feeling the friendship between me and sabrina drifting away. everything we do seems so dull to me. i thought we could just ignore all the differences between us but we can't. i thought it used to work but it never did. i was kidding myself. i was pretending to be someone i'm not. so she thought i was like her but i'm not. all the things she likes don't mean a thing to me and vice versa. her life seems incredibly dull and superficial to me. i hate talking about boys all the time. i hate the way she talks sometimes. i hate how she annoys everyone around her when we go to the cinema. and i hate how she always has to tart herself up beyond recognition when we go out.
and i'm sure there are just as many things she hates about me.
anyway, i'll go study now. i feel motivated as i got my first homework back last weekend and it was an A.
dave gahan - dirty sticky floors