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surprisingly dull
2003-09-29
it's one of *those* nights. *sigh*
i took 2 aspirin a few minutes ago. why, i don't know. i have a headache but it's not that bad. maybe i thought they'd make me feel numb. in a way they do but not completely. they mainly make me sick. though the thought of tomorrow makes me sick enough already. again 8 hours of pretending. i'm so sick of everything lately. really everything. people at work have obviously noticed things. the one girl asked me whether i was ok and whether i was not ok with some things. i said i was sorry for seeming unmotivated but there was really nothing wrong. haha, liar.
people bother me. all people. they're around me, they're talking to me, they're noisy, they keep telling me things i don't want to know anyway. there are very few people i really want to talk to. and they're never available or have time to listen and want to know or pay attention or anything.
and goddammit, random people keep bugging me on msn wanting to talk about stupid little shitty things like what their families have done today and whether i want to play silly online games with them and whatever else they can come up with. i know, i could just go on invisible mode but that's so...dunno...people never talk to me on my messengers. usually i just spend hours staring at the screen until some poor soul who has to talk to me because they're in the unfortunate situation of being my friend messages me. but when i am feeling more like drinking loads of cleaning substances i can find in the kitchen, i'm suddenly all popular. isn't some sort of smell coming out of my arse when i'm down?
anyway...there's light at the end of the tunnel, though. well, in this case "there's placebo at the end of a sucky working day" sounds more appropriate as they'll be on telly tomorrow. i'll try to leave work earlier tomorrow. if they won't let me, i'll jump out of the window or blow the whole place up or something...heh.
i pretend to be happy, even to myself. i keep making really silly and seemingly funny jokes. i make witty remarks. i do more or less useful things. but inside, i just want to die. i don't know, maybe i am dying.
the other people seem to avoid contact as much as possible. they hardly ever talk to me and if they do, they do it in a 'well, there's no other way'-kind of manner. it doesn't even really bother me. i don't want to talk to them anyway. i decided i don't like most of them. they're all so pretentious. "look at me, i'm so important and busy and without me, this whole stinking place would go down." i can't stand that.
what i'm scared of is them seeing the real me. giving them a glimpse of who i really am. in a way i want people to know but on the other hand i know they wouldn't understand. and why bother anyway? they're strangers. it's not worth the hassle. i'll leave the place in december and that was it.
i'm over-emotional lately. people say a small thing and i explode with happiness and then they add an even smaller thing...only a word maybe and i'm in tears. what the hell is wrong with me? if that's even a question that can be asked. i don't even know if there is something wrong. maybe that's normal for me. maybe it's normal for everyone. i just know that i don't like this.
westlife - hey whatever