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a good deed...
2003-05-19
yes, dear readers, i am still alive. after today it is a wonder, though. right now i am so full of anger, i'm surprised i didn't punch the walls. partly it's directed at my co-workers/boss, partly at myself. it's been the first day after my holiday today and already i am sick of it. i don't know if it's me but this day was worse than anything before. first i got the most 'interesting' statement from melanie. our boss told us that next week there'll be 3 new apprentices (so what? i'll be gone by then) and melanie's reply to that was: "great! that's three who can't do anything" and i mean hello?! have we sunk low enough to insult each other in front of others? later i was standing at one of the desks waiting for customers and thinking about how i am being treated there and that stupid old german joke came to my head 'ArschZUmBIerholen' (i can't be asked to translate/explain it now but it means as much as apprentices are stupid idiots and the slaves of the 'real workers') and just when that thought popped into my head sabine (2nd boss) asked me to fucking CLEAN THE FLOOR!!! in front of bloody customers. this made me think about the things i've had to do there so far and without exaggerating most of it was sick stuff like that. copy papers, clean some things, tidy up the desks, refill the brochure holders...and the list goes on and on. oh, and my personal highlight was when i asked if i could write my may report today (and we HAVE to do that and technically are not allowed to do it at home) and sabine said "well, if there are too many customers you have to do it at home". apart from the fact that i could sue her ass for that statement because it's against the law to tell apprentices to do anything at home...who does she think i am? her slave? gawd!! it's not really that bad because writing a report is something done very quickly and all and i don't have a problem with the issue itself but after telling me to clean the floor i don't think she should come up with crap like that. CUNT!!!
but on friday everything will be fine again. i hope. no, i know that. if there's one thing i can trust in then it's placebo.
AND i've done a good deed today. my co-workers were so rude to me all day that i was overly excited and happy when someone started talking nicely to me in the street so i actually signed up for some childcare donation thingie. it's not much, only 7,50� a month and it's that cool stuff. like the starshine or star...something foundation in the usa/australia that fulfils sick children's wishes and all. it sounded cool to me and i don't think i'll ever manage to cope with own children so i can aswell donate money to other people's children.
and i also hate myself for not really being able to freak out at work. i'm afraid to ruin it all in my last week. also...i just CAN'T do it. i dunno, i can't. and i hate myself for it and i kind of keep all the anger inside and freak out at home IF i freak out. sometimes i just do stupid stuff then. and that's bad too :(
i am also looking forward to meeting maja again. in fact, i can't wait. finally someone intelligent to talk to again. ok, i'm not doing annette and sabrina enough justice here but dunno...it's different. i think maja knows me best of all the people i know and even if it sometimes leads to arguments i can be myself with her. i don't know why but it feels good.
also, we'll probably meet susie on friday and i'm looking forward to that aswell as i've known her for years (with breaks) but we've never met.
and they gave me this cool keyring with my ID (haha) and if a child i know ever has to go to hospital i can get them free care or someone to go there and spend time with them or just something they need. made me feel all important and special. so, see...my good deed for today (and the next 2 years :p )
placebo - second sight