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manic depression
2002-11-17
i'm sorry. you haven't heard from me in ages and i'm actually feeling bad for that. i don't wanna become one of those people who only update every few weeks. that would suck especially because i'm a goldmember. and i also seem to have some regular readers, so i'm really feeling guilty because they're wasting their time coming here to find nothing. so, i apologize.
now, i feel totally empty, though. i can't help it. i know i shouldn't put so much importance into one thing but it's just the way i feel. it's like there was nothing else left for me. i know there's loads to do. i mean, i'm going to london in two weeks and we've already booked our holiday for next year... but i dunno, at the moment it means nothing to me. ok, it's already getting better. as i said, i'm slowly getting back to reality so it's all gonna be fine soon.
*sigh* let's get away from the emo stuff, now. i've cried too much during the past week already and i'm slowly feeling better again, so let's see...
anyway, i'll do something that has a meaning now...like...uh...oh yeah, watch my new manics DVD. hehe.
no, i didn't die right after posting the last entry. though i felt like it. i've calmed down now. which is good. right after meeting celebs you always feel like you'd been asked to marry them or something. it's a good feeling, no doubt. but it's also good to come down to earth again and start getting back to reality.
but yeah, meeting the guys really was something special. i just wish i'd had the guts to tell them what they mean to me. but it felt a little inappropriate as there were so many other people and it was freezing and all. plus, i don't know how to tell them how i feel about their work without mentioning richey and that would feel like entering something that's none of my business and i bet they wouldn't be too impressed with a stranger mentioning him anyways. so, i'll just keep it to myself and be happy with what i got.
maybe i should start from the scratch. don't expect me to write down details, though. i'm not planning to give you a 2987409 pages review or anything.
well, friday was good already. we had this amazing place almost on the stage. i guess it helped that we had been there for a robbie williams concert already, so we knew where to stand. the biggest surprise was that my mom really liked readymade a lot and also got into the manics a little. she even asked some questions about them and all and said james' voice was really great. she thought nicky was quite amusing with his boas and shades and all. but oh well...we all knew that already, i suppose.
after all, i have to say saturday's gig was loads better. on the one hand, of course, it was the whole feeling. i only had maja with me who wouldn't mind if i freak out. so i could go second row with my featherboa and do precisely that. i basically had nicky right in front of me all the time and took some really gorgeous piccies of him. so i guess the whole feeling was already loads better to start with. but the manics also seemed much happier with the location/audience and played a longer set and talked much more. well, ok, they were kinda forced to talk because there were technical problems. some people desperately wanted nicky to speak german so he said "ich bin completely nacket" which sounded cute. (it was supposed to mean "i am completely naked". it wasn't 100% correct but hey, how many people can actually say they know more than one language anyway?)
it was a bit disappointing that they didn't play my fave songs ("australia" and "no surface all feeling") but the set list was still very good and absolutely fair as fans could vote for the songs they wanted to hear on the net. i totally fell in love with "life becoming a landslide" which i had never paid much attention to before.
the highlight, of course, was meeting them (i guess you got that already). but actually, the concerts were just as great. the whole weekend meant so much to me as their music has always had more than one special meaning for me and they're just the most interesting band around. not only their history but also their whole attitude. they have so much to say and you really see that they know what they're talking about. i also feel like i have so much in common with nicky. at least from what i can know. of course, it could all be made up by themselves and they're all different. but the way he seems to me is just so similar to me and that really comforts me sometimes.
i'd been waiting to see them live for ages now and meeting them just was the little cherry on top that was needed to make it all perfect.
the worst day was probably my birthday on thursday. i had chosen not to do anything. i had been to munich the weekend before and was supposed to go to eindhoven this weekend (had to cancel *sobs*). and i can't stand birthday celebrations anyway. but i dunno. somehow the whole day really get me down. i already had a breakdown in the car that morning. i was listening to my manics cassette and just started sobbing uncontrollably. i just hope noone saw me. i think my co-workers noticed it a little later but didn't say anything. they were really sweet. they even gave me a lovely hello kitty bag for my camera and some cute pink lollipops which i thought was amazing because we never used to give each other presents so far. but i was still kinda depressed the whole day. i didn't get to cry anymore, though, as i spent the day being rather busy. which was good, i suppose.
i got some really awesome presents. the loveliest was probably the one maja and mariam got me. they bought me my own star which is soooo great. i always wanted to get such a thing because i figure it's so me. i dunno, it's just something you have but don't really have and that kind of sums up my life. i also thought it was adorable how they actually hooked up to form this conspiracy "against" me without having me finding out. it's also nice because it shows they really care. you can go out and just buy "something" or you can really show that you care and that's what they did. :)
you know, i feel terribly old now. i mean, hello?! i am 20!!! i'm not a teenager anymore. when i now walk up to my mom and tell her how much i lust after brian or nicky and she says "you're not a teenager, anymore", i can't say "well, technically i am...". i am a bloody twen. that's not only an amazingly stupid word, that's also an amazingly stupid thing. twens are those people that always pop up in those awful USA soaps. like "beverly hills 90210" or so. the people who always have oh-so-important problems that actually aren't any problems. the ones that are super-sophisticated and still worry about nothing else but their nail colour. the ones that are always shopping. ok, that doesn't sound bad but reality is something else. and reality is that in 10 years i'll be 30 and then my life will be over. argh! ok, maybe not over but then people will point at me and say "she's 30 and not married. she's a freak". because i certainly don't plan to get married. nevermind that i don't even have a man to do that. i just don't wanna have a "normal" life. and being married by the time you're 30 is normal. ack, don't mind me. i have no idea what i'm writing. i'm just confused. i don't want to be 20. my whole attitude is the one of a 16 year-old.
manic street preachers - life becoming a landslide