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do i have to beg for forgiveness?
2002-12-13
c'mon...hurt me, kill me...whatever. it can't be worse than what my fucking family's doing to me. do you know the feeling when you just feel trapped? you wanna be alone and enjoy some time and they just won't leave you the FUCK alone.
my mom's out tonight and probably she won't be back before 9 or 10 and i was really looking forward to that because i haven't really had any time on my own since i started work. when i leave in the morning, my mom's still there and when i get home in the afternoon, she's already here with my grandpa. so, tonight was gonna be...somewhat special. at least nice. you just don't get time to think and all when someone else is there. i can go to my room, sure, but i am 20!!! i need some more space than the tiny excuse for a room. i don't wanna lie in my bed all day and stay at the ceiling or watch stupid movies on telly or whatever. i wanna be able to leave those for walls without having to talk to someone. and, most importantly, when i am inside that room, i don't want people to knock on my door permanently. tonight was gonna be such an evening and what happens? my grandpa comes here and annoys the fuck outta me. he tried talking to me but i've given up on that ages ago. i mean...talking with him means...he talks, i listen. and usually about topics i couldn't care less about. i get that all day long at work. i don't need that at home. so, he's talking now and i'm pretending to listen. it doesn't matter if i do or don't as he doesn't get it, anyway. nor will he ever ask me about it again or even remember that he told me. so, it really doesn't matter to anyone. but his presence annoys me. i wanna take my pants off and i wanna turn the music/tv louder and laugh at the westlife site/board and basically freak out like an idiot. but nooo...i can't do that. PLUS he always makes stupid comments. like...i mean, it's not even 8, yet. and he complains about my mom staying out for so long. so what? she's an adult. she could stay out all night and he couldn't do anything about it. and i mean, she hardly EVER goes out, so instead of being happy for her, he's complaining. i'm tired of telling him how stupid that is because he never gets it and just says i'm only saying that because i hate him. so, i just don't say anything at all. i can't tell him to leave, either, because he'll also be upset about that and say i hate him AND (and that's much more important because he's never pouting for long anyway) he'll tell my mom and i'll get this long and tiring rant about being nice to him and blablabla. i just never get WHY i should be nice when he's allowed to tell me that i'm stupid for accepting the job offer, i'm too stupid to understand how my car works, i'm a bitch for not wanting strangers to bloody think and talk about my life and all that junk... i am only defending the bit of quiet time and private life i have left at the moment. i mean, i am together with loads of people who tell me all sorts of shit from 7.30 on. and it doesn't stop til i get home. and there, i also listen to him. so, why the hell is it so bad to just say i want him and my mom to shut up during the 30 minutes while the simpsons are on? or, when he's been telling me the EXACT same things about my cars from monday-thursday...why on earth is it so bad to tell him that i can't hear it anymore on friday? and why is it always ME starting arguments? i don't even say it in a rude tone. i mean, if someone said to me that they know what i was gonna tell them and that we should please change topics, it'd be alright. but NO, he starts yelling at me and telling me i'm stupid. so...eh?! either i zone out for a few minutes and miss the important parts each time we fall out, or they really don't have a point there?
pah! he left now. he'll probably complain to my mom how mean i was. so what? then, i'll tell her how he didn't want her to be out and have fun. HA!
anyway, what this comes down to is...i do feel sorry for the man and yes, i love him but it is not my fault that he NEVER wants to go out, always finds excuses for not going down to the pub and never meeting his old friends. so, i shouldn't be suffering when he's being lonely. i'm not his baby-sitter and i don't wanna be treated like that. strangely, people always say I'M bad for saying that. my mom says i'm being unfair. what they all fail to notice, though, is that i am 20 and that, in a strange ways, i do have a life and i should get more time to do what i want in MY home than what i can do in the 5 minutes before i go to bed!
westlife - bop bop baby (please don't ask me, k? :p )