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yay, placebo...or not...
2003-01-11
dunno if i should be happy or crying. today i got the wonderful news that placebo are going on a mini-tour in march. the only gig in germany will be very close to my place. that's great.
at the moment, though, i just wanna curl up and die. i don't feel any urge to do anything or whatever. i feel awful. i am depressed. and cold. very cold. not just cold as in uncomfortable because the temperature is very low. but it's really starting to affect my mental and physical condition. most of the time i am shaking so hard it makes me sick. it's really violent. i can't hold a glass of drink. sometimes it feels like i have to throw up. so, i just curl up in my bed or on the sofa and do nothing because it wouldn't be fun anyway. i also feel dizzy a lot. and i have violent mood swings. today alone i had about 10 or so. this morning i was really aggressive, when i got to school it was ok and i was all smiley, during the lessons, i got depressed, when i got home i was nearly exploding of happiness (with cebo tourdates and all), 20 minutes later i was depressed again, when my mom got home i was aggressive again, on the phone with maja i went through depression, sadness, anger and happiness and now i am just depressed again. i'm annoyed. i can't even react to my own mood. i can't try to cheer me up or whatever because it'll change in a minute anyway.
maybe i just want someone to care. they all obviously don't. they'd notice i'm hurting if they cared. i don't want someone to pretend they care because they have to. that doesn't help. if you don't care, that's ok. just leave me alone then. sometimes i don't care, either. it's impossible to always care about everyone and be there for them. but it doesn't change the fact that right now at this moment i want someone near me that cares. i want them to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. i know that's cheezy and not true but i still want someone to pretend.
ah, i guess i need sleep. just ignore me. or don't. whatever.
but i at the same time this is quite a sad thing because i have no idea who to go with. apart from the fact that neither maja nor mariam can go, i doubt i really wanna go with them anyway. sure, would be nice and if they could go it would be cool but i finally wanna go to a gig with someone who loves the band as much as i do. they're always like 'oh yeah, they were cool...' but it's never really the big 'WHOA' thing. sadly, i don't have any friends who are placebo fans. nor do i just wanna go on the net and get some stranger to go with me. i just wish i had someone to share my obsession with. pff. at the moment, i wouldn't even know where to go to find placebo fans. there are several places for ex-sr members but going to one means to be looked down on by the others and some seem to despise placebo now and basically i have no idea what's going on anyway. and as i said, i don't want to pick just a random new person just because they're fans.
i guess i'll end up going alone. i'm gonna buy two tickets but only because it's such a small gig and i'm afraid tix might be sold out soon. i don't really wanna take my mom along. it was ok for the manics because i saw them again the next day. but since i don't know if placebo are gonna tour again this year i don't really wanna ruin it for myself by taking her along and having her complain about everything. the only alternative would be to convince someone from my job or sabrina or whoever to go with me. i'm sure they'd do that. bug that would be just like taking my mom along.
all i know is that i won't miss this concert. maybe i'll really go alone and just enjoy the whole thing. fuck the others. they don't know what they're missing. i'm even thinking about making placebo 'my very own little band'. like...always going alone to all of their gigs. that would a) give me an excuse for being sad enough to go alone and b) save me from all bad comments made about them. they're so special. and talented. they don't deserve all that bad criticism. i dunno...i don't think i could bear someone go 'well, they were ok...' after the gig or something. i want people to see what i see. usually, i don't care if people agree with me but at the moment i am over-sensitive for such things related to placebo. ever since sr went down i got so much negative energy from all sides and i just don't wanna hear it anymore. i know that my friends/relatives/co-workers have nothing to do with sr but still...i don't want to hear anything like that from anyone.
placebo - then the clouds will open for me