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2006-06-26
"He" is back in my life. It seems like whenever I start to forget about
"him", "he" comes back, haunting me like a bad dream. Sometimes, it is
alright and we get along fine. We have talks and it seems like we could
get over this and be friends. But most of the time I just can't handle
"him". Nor the pressure "he" puts on me. it's alsways the same. "He"
comes back and expects me to have feelings for "him" that I know I'll
never be able to develope. For so many reasons neither of us can be
blamed for. The main reason being that we would never work. We're too
different, never have anything to talk about. I know "he" desperately
tries to care for the things that keep me going. But I just can't come
up with the motivation for that. Where's the point? There should be
common interests to begin with. It's hard enough when you grow apart
after a while and try hard to still get excited for the other. But at
least then you have something to fight for. A shared past, big feelings
and all that. Which can be a curse because it keeps you fighting even
when everything is lost. In our case it's best not to begin. We still
have a choice and we should be grateful for that. Although I might just
be speaking for myself here. I think "he" is already too far gone. At
least that what I can tell from the way "he" talks to me and about me.
The sad part is I desperately want someone to feel that strongly about
me. I want to feel it and revel in it and let it comfort me when I'm
down and use it to block out the world. But not with "him". It's not
right and any attempt to make it right would be a lie and only happening
for my own sake. It would happen at my pace and we'd be following my
rules. "He" wouldn't matter. And while I know "he" would play along
without questioning me once, I also know it wouldn't be fair. I can't
even bear to listen to "him" ramble about his latest trip to the pub!
How can you expect me to listen to him while "he" is down and comfort
"him" and be there for "him"? It's an impossibility. But of course, I'd
expect "him" to do it for me. Which "he" would. And I'd get angry at
myself for it, then at the situation, then at "him". Worst case
scenario.
Alright. Going home-time in half an hour, so I'll quit.
The other thing is that "he" is just too pushy. "He" expects me to feel
everything and more right this instant. Which is just not on. We're
unlikely to happen anyway but even if there is a small chance that we
will make it work, it's going to be a slow gradual process which would
take a lot of patience from both of us. "He" is so into this whole idea,
though, it's insane! "His" whole world seems to revolve around me and
"he" told me how "he" would give up everything "he" has and cares about
for me. That is just crazy! And it really puts me off because "he" is so
desperate and I just don't see how it could ever work out without any
major problems. We'd pretty much just pull each other through, only
would it cost "him" a lot more effort seeing as I don't really have to
do anything to keep "him" going.
And then there is the slightly less important but still disturbing part:
aesthetics. Part of me tells I'm not one to talk. I am way too
self-conscious to be arrogant and judgemental. But the simple truth is:
"He" just isn't my type. I'm not saying "he" is bad-looking because "he"
isn't. You could, perhaps, describe "him" as handsome if you choose to
sound like your mother. But "his" style pretty much screams back at me
what I have just pointed out - we don't belong together. It's so
different from everything I'm into. I'm just not attracted to
"him".
But the final - and worst - part is: "He" has no sense of humour. Like,
at all. "He" doesn't realise when I'm joking, "he" hardly ever cracks
jokes "himself" (thank God, because the few "he" has made were either
annoying or hurtful). "He" just isn't able to losen up and take things
lightheartedly. Little easy chatting is impossible. Everything is so
filled with the weight of "his" feelings and the consequences of me not
feeling the same, it's suffocating. How am I supposed to even be
affectionate when I just feel like I need a huge gulp of air all the
time?!
It's all just way too much to handle for me.
Speaking of too much...tonight it's time for another Weight Watchers
meeting. Last time was so good because I lost an impressive amount of
weight since the meeting before that. But I have a feeling this time I
didn't try hard enough. Which would be a shame because I'm only inches
away from the next little sparkly star. I talked to Annette recently and
she told me how she's about to get her fifth soon. What a masive kick in
the butt! She started earlier than me but not THAT much earlier. The
little envious me has a hard time dealing with that. Meh.
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