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it's just one of those days...
2003-11-02
you know...today i just feel empty again. i felt ok when i woke up though i wasn't exploding with happiness or anything. it was just...ok. i was more or less content and even planned to get a few things done today.
also, i figured out why my birthday annoys me more than usual. well, on nov 14th it's exactly one year since i've seen my dad for the last time. and on dec 22nd it'll be one year since i talked to him for the last time. what if he chooses the day to contact me again? what if he calls? what am i gonna say? how am i ever gonna fix the damage that has been done? i'm more scared of that one call than anything else in my life. i couldn't be more scared if the devil himself was standing right in front of me. maybe i'm shitting myself for nothing. maybe he won't call, after all. but i'm not sure if that wouldn't hurt just as much. it's just...there is no way for me to get out of this without feeling hurt and probably having a major break-down. except if i'm doing what i wanna do, which is spending the whole day (and possibly the following days, too) outside and then fooling myself by saying he probably did call but i wasn't there. it's one of the oldest tricks ever but i'm so desperate, i think it will probably work.
ack, i don't know. ignore me. i'll go watch fame academy now as thomas will be on in a minute. and then i'll go hop off a bridge or something *shrugs*
then things started to go wrong. again. i seem to fuck things up without noticing. now i have this huge pile of broken things in front of me. and i have no idea how to fix them or if it's even possible or if i am able to do it. or...if it still makes sense. i just don't know what to do. i do nothing and it hurts people, then i do what i think is right and it hurts people, too. and maybe i should just give up on everything and leave them to lead their own lives. i just feel like i'm such a huge pain in the arse for everyone and my opinions and wishes just hurt or scare or annoy people and i don't want them to go out of their way for me but it seems like there's no other way and...i don't know. i'm just rambling. i have so much crap on my mind today and it all just hurts like hell but there's no way of telling anybody because no one will ever be able to make anything out of it and i know no one would understand because i can't even understand it myself.
and you know, it's moments like this i really wish i was dead because it would be so much easier for everyone else. right now i just feel like people just can't go their own way with me on their backs.
it's just so ridiculous. i keep playing it down and i keep saying it doesn't bother me but in the end, i think it's the one big thing that fucks everything up for me. i really think that every little shit i do and each time i hurt people, it is because i hate myself so much for not being able to sort this out. and i'm so confused. i just don't understand it. i don't understand why he doesn't love me and why he can't be there for me and just care about me. i just think that for some reason, i probably don't deserve it.
placebo - special needs