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patheticness
2002-11-01
this has been a pretty awful day again. i was *forced* to go out for lunch with my mom and grandpa. it's just unfair how they're always allowed to be "not in the mood" and when i say that, it's me ruining their day. i mean, what's wrong with me wanting to stay at home when it's cold outside and all? i could have cuddled up to my rabbit on the sofa and read my book or whatever. but no, i had to tart myself up and go out for lunch in a posh restaurant together with loads of other *fake* families. it was supposed to be my grandma's birthday dinner. problem is...her birthday would have been in july. and i mean...we never really made big deals out of her birthdays when she was alive and now we have to have this whole stuff going on, though she's dead and would probably be complaining about us doing it because she hated stuff like that, too.
the rest of the time when i didn't update was as unimportant as the grave. i just kind of improved my new "hobby" of analyzing anything from people to situations. i think i kind of analyzed half my group by now. people that just don't stop being interesting to me are patricia, jessica and melanie. patricia because i can't believe how she manages to get through life by just being naive and cute in all situations (well, and i dunno how she ALWAYS manages to be noisy while walking by rubbing the legs of her pants together), jessica because she's just so ignorant and i dunno why noone has ever actually tried to kill her yet as she really manages to piss off everyone she's around at least once a day and melanie because i can't figure her out at all. actually, she's the only one whom i analyze that much though i like her. she's just...i dunno, she has the right attitude. but on the other hand she has this way of criticizing people for things she has no right to criticize. like, she honestly called me "stupid" because i said i liked robbie williams. now, i'm used to people not sharing my taste but i've never met anyone that awful. and she also keeps making the same mistakes as people she keeps telling off. like, she's almost started a fight with jacqueline because of her boyfriend and way of living and flirting around with other guys but on the other hand keeps flirting around on our intranet forums, as well. and when i only jokingly compared her to jacqueline, she yelled at me for doing so. she also thinks she's cooler than she is sometimes. like, she keeps babbling about how she always drives 150km/h and blabla and actually talks like she's won an oscar for crashing her sister's car. i dunno...i like her but can't stand having her around for more than a few minutes. i think she's pretty two-faced as she talks in this cutey-babbly-sweety voice all the time but only plays nice as long as she thinks you agree with everything she says and i don't really know if i wanna deal with that.
anyway, i shall be off now to give my back a rest as this chair is killing it.
i was also dragged to the cemetery. apparently, it's a tradition to go visit your dead relatives on this holiday. but i don't care. i haven't changed my mind about cemeteries in the past few months. in fact, i hadn't been there since i had to drive granpa there to arrange the stuff with the grave which was weeks ago. and today, i noticed why. it doesn't give me anything. it might help some people when they can stare at the flowers and stones and all but it does absolutely nothing for me. i can look at my ceiling and think of her. or at the river outside. or whatever. i don't need that thing that looks like normal garden feature anyway. i was really trying to see something. just anything. a strange sign. whatever. just something that would make me understand the whole idea of cemeteries and what people see in them. but there was nothing. i didn't even find the flowers pretty. which is kinda non-surprising as my mom chose them and she's all for brown and beige and dark red colours, so it just looked kinda boring.
to be honest, it was rather awkward. we were standing there and first grandpa would say how pretty and nice it was, then mom would praise the thing and then there was this silence where i would have been expected to say something. at least i think they expected me to do that. but i just couldn't say anything. i mean, i didn't find anything there pretty or even nice. the flowers look boring, i always hated those tasteless red gravelights, the stone is incredibly dull with only her name and birth/death years. no nice quite or whatever... even a word like "nice" that basically says nothing would have been to much. it really looks like one of those things in life that don't matter. you know...pages in catalogues that you just turn over without looking at because the things displayed so don't attract you. the plain and simple things you never notice in H&M because they don't matter. not ugly but not nice, either. i don't think someone even invented a word for it as it's just so unimportant. so, what could i have said? the truth would have sounded something like "you know, i just don't care" which would have brought me into more trouble than i was in anyway. and i didn't wanna be all fake and pretend i was soooo overwhelmed, either. so, i just didn't say anything. luckily, it started to rain heavily, so we left soon.
placebo - then the clouds will open for me