Hard to notice what is passing by with eyes lowered
Wow, I'm so sick of having to explain and justify myself! It seems I've been doing that forever and ever and ever now. And whenever I meet someone new, it starts all over again. No, I am not a happy person! I'm sorry if it ruins your fun. The thing is, I never actually ask for people to pull me through or understand or help me. Because I know I wouldn't have the patience for that. The problem is, people offer their help. They say things like "I'll help you through" or "We'll do it together" but they never actually get that it's not that easy for me. I'm sorry to be a party pooper but when I say I'm feeling bad / depressed / miserable, I really really mean it. I'm not saying other people are making things up. But I've often made the experience that they've been saying they're feeling oh so bad and then it takes something really small to cheer them up again. That doesn't work for me. I can't look at an AFI picture and feel better. I can't eat a piece of chocolate and feel better. It just doesn't work that way with me. I'm sorry. I know it sucks but that's how it is. It's not like I actually *want* to be like that. I'd give a lot for this to change. But right now, there's not much I could do.Whenever this happens, all I can do is sit through it and wait for it to pass. And yes, I am a complete cunt right then. I can hardly stand myself then. But once again, I cannot help it! I know it's not nice, I know I'm not easy to deal with then. But there's not some switch to shut it off. I don't see why people have to constantly give me shit for it. Of course, it's not good and I see the appeal to bitch back at me but what's the point, really? It's like kicking a wall. It won't change anything. If you can't deal with it, ignore me for as long as you have to. But don't ask me for answers I can't give you. Or make me justify my actions. Or expect things to be easy when they're not. And for fuck's sake, don't make fun of me for it!!! It fucking sucks to know that you're hurting people without being able to change anything about it and I certainly don't wish this upon anyone.
With that said...yes, I do feel like that right now. I'd honestly rather be dead. It feels like there's absolutely nothing to live for. I thought coming back from the tour, I'd be able to hold onto some things that would help me keep my chin up. But now that I'm back, I see loads of things around me fall apart. Say, my job. I used to really love the fact that we're pretty much a team. We had our little problems within the team but all together, it was fine. Now that I'm back, everyone's holding grudges against each other. It seems during the month that I was gone, so many things happened that have driven people apart and because I was away, I'm the only one not involved in this. But still, I'm a part of it because I happen to stand in the middle. I also seem to be the only one who actually witnesses things falling apart. By now, I can't really talk to anyone anymore. I'm always afraid they might start bitching about each other again. And whenever one of them does, I feel bad when talking to the other because I know what the other person things about them. And I never know what to say because they're such petty things. And it just really fucking sucks because I spend eight hours a day at work, surrounded by the bad mood that really affects me. Then I go home and get even more depressed because I miss AFI so much. And it just goes on like that. By the time I get home, I'm ready to kill myself.
And I just really really miss the feeling of having AFI near. I don't even need to talk to them or see them perform. Just small things like seeing Smith walk around make me feel so much better. Or like that one time in Stockholm. J. and I were just sitting in my car and Hunter walked by. We pretty much just said hi and that's it. No big talking, no squealing, no picture taking, nothing of that. But it felt good to know he was there and to see he was fine.
And knowing that they're thousands of miles away really fucking kills me. The only thought that makes it halfway bearable is that they're probably with their loved ones and that it must make them happy. I mostly want them to be happy. I just wish there was a way to be a part of it.