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walked away, heard them say...
2004-10-30
i spent the most part of the night lying on the sofa in the living room watching stupid crap with my mum. i only went there to have some food (i hate eating in my room) but then didn't feel like going back to the computer or my tv or whatever. i've been feeling sick since last night and i'm not sure what's wrong with me but i guess i don't wanna know, either.
after my mum went to bed, i watched one of my good old AFI videos. i hadn't done that in a long time. i know it probably seems like i spend of my time doing things like that and licking the tv screen and stuff. but i don't. i very rarely do it, actually. tonight, however, i felt like doing it since i was feeling so ill and weak. i thought it would cheer me up. well, it did. to a certain point. then i saw them all looking and smiling at each other and i thought how much they must love each other (in a close friends kind of way i mean - i'm not gonna start with the javey stuff here now).
*sighs* there you go. this is what watching AFI perform the leaving song at 2 in the morning does to me. not a pretty thing. my situation, i mean....not the performance.
that led me to wondering about my own friends and i once again asked myself whom i would call a friend. and there aren't too many. ok, i said exactly the same a while ago when i wrote a similar entry. but i noticed how the people i thought of back then aren't necessarily the same that are in my head right now at the question of whom i consider a friend. and hell, they aren't even the same that i would have mentioned...say, two weeks ago if i had thought about it then. and it's not only about close friends. it's also about..."acquaintances" or people in general. i kinda feel...alone. i'm no saint. i know i treat a lot of people in a very bad way very often. i'm not even gonna deny that. but i'm also usually among the first people to jump if someone needs help or has a question or whatever. but whenever i need something...there's nothing, absolutely nothing. i understand if people just CAN'T help with something. it happens, i know. sometimes they just don't have the money or time or whatever else is needed. i don't even mean only material things. it just makes me sad because i very very rarely actually ask for help. i always feel bad about it because i don't want to bother people. so it hurts even more when they show me why i hardly ever do it. but i dunno...i can't become a totally selfish bitch. i can't. i know i went through the same when no one wanted to accompany me for the placebo gig last year and i said i was going to cut back on helping people out and i didn't. i don't know how much stuff i sent out to people for nothing in return just because they couldn't get it in their country. i don't know how much time i spent on the net listening to people (complete strangers sometimes) spilling their heart out to me just because i knew it would make them feel better. yet, whenever i need anything or feel the urge to just...talk, there's usually no one to really care. i mean, yeah...on msn for example, people don't immediately go offline or block me but i doubt they really care. they just never seem to really listen. sort of like...they're ironing their school uniforms while letting me ramble on, throwing in a "uh huh" or "yeah" or "i see" from time to time. and i can't help to think that this is not the way it's supposed to be. i don't know any way out of it, though. except of backing away from everyone which i've been doing way too successfully already...
AFI - the leaving song