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All new and shiny
2006-04-30
Let's face it: You saw it coming, I saw it coming, it had to happen! A new afee layout. I'm just in love with this picture and had to use it. And yes, there is a reason why Jade and Hunter are hidden...
So as Day X is coming closer, I am getting more and more excited. It leads to quite amusing situations of me grinning like a maniac and people at work thinking I've lost it. Luckily, B. is constantly joking so they blame it on me finding everything hella funny. I mean, B. is really funny but at the moment I am not even able to concentrate on him talking long enough for what he's saying to make sense. When we're alone in the office, he keeps telling me private stuff and things between him and S. and R. and it seems he wants to her my two cent's but I simply do not have an opinion on anything at the moment. After waiting for this to happen for so long now, I simply take the right to just don't give a fuck about anything or anyone til May 19th. Although I am not even sure if I'd have an opinion on what's happening at work if it wasn't happening now. Basically, I don't care because a lot of what's going on is like it is because of things that have happened weeks or months ago and I don't feel a part of it at all. The cute thing is that whenever I'm along in the office with one of them, they seem to be warning me of the others. And through all of this, they totally fail to see that they're still getting along a lot better than any other team I have worked in at my past jobs. So what I'm doing at the moment is listen. Or pretend to. I don't think it has that much to do with the gig after all. I think I'm generally a lot more relaxed about work nowadays. The thing's just that I've been really stressed out during my past jobs and I was nearly killing myself in the process of pleasing everyone and see where that got me. So now, it's just like "Whatever happens, happens!" And it seems to be paying off. I got a good feedback from my boss lately and he even assigned me to some project. I am also a lot more relaxed about my co-workers. I can have talks with them and I laugh more than I used to. A few days ago, I was sitting in my car and I couldn't help but wonder when all of this is gonna crash down again. I've never gone that long without a breakdown or a good long cry or anxiety attack. I am not naive enough to believe that I've suddenly turned into a fully sane person. I just hope that I am able to deal with things a lot better than I used to.
It seems I did a lot of cleaning up today. I got rid of about 1/4 of my wardrobe. I just threw away a lot of the things that I kept before because "I'd certainly find an occasion". Today, I just couldn't stand seeing all that shitty stuff anymore. So now my wardrobe's terribly empty but I feel a lot better. I also put a new blanket cover and sheets on my bed and turned my mattress around so I'm sleeping on the Summer side now. Maybe to force the temperatures to finally rise now. Then I changed my layout. So maybe I'm getting rid of stuff I feel I don't need anymore. There's a lot more to do, though. I'm gonna get rid of some old magazines and papers tomorrow. There's this huge stack in one corner of my room. There's a lot of Placebo stuff in them and I'm not sure if I wanna keep it or not. I still care about the band a lot but do I really want to keep on collecting magazine clippings? It's cool to look at them years later but it's also a lot of work to cut them out and put them in the folder...
Anyway, I'm going to bed now. Or watch DVD. I got 11:14 in the mail on Friday and I need to watch it because I only have about 20 days left and still two other movies in queue this month. For all of you non-internet professionals: I'm talking about renting DVDs on Amazon.
The only bad thing worth mentioned happened today. I had another little argument with my mom. She keeps giving me the "You're 23 and can't... / don't know... / won't..." thing which is really starting to piss me off. Mostly because I can... / do know... / will... but in my own time and way. Just because I don't put my dirty clothes in the laundry before I go to work doesn't mean I won't do it when I get home. She does it right away but I'm not even able to function properly in the morning. It's just petty little things like that and it annoys me because it seems she wants to keep telling me how I'm not able to survive without her. I mean, yes, I am messy and pretty fucked up most of the time but so what? She's 50 and doesn't realise that smoking is a disgusting habit and refusing to not do it while others are eating makes it even worse. Neither does she realise that having to use nosespray every fucking day is not healthy and means you're having a bad addiction. So she could just stop giving me rants about petty stuff like when I will put a damn dirty shirt in the laundry.
That argument went on for a total of five minutes, ending with me leaving the room. And then it was over like everything's always over when I don't mention it again. It's not like she'll ever give me a sign to show me she cares or thinks about what's happening or anything. I am not even sure if she's trying to understand me or if she just watches me in amusement. It's paradoxical but I prefer having really loud and long fights with her because I get a response then. And as much as I hate having arguments with someone, when she screams at me it means she cares enough to make that effort and that's good. Is that sad? I guess so.
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