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disgustingness!
2004-06-29
seriously, i think i scared my mum. a few times i broke down in front of her lately, telling her how much i hate my life and how horrible it seems to me to have nothing to look forward to. i think she's afraid i might actually do something stupif. the things is...we got an offer from some acquaintances who are making a trip to london in november again and she agreed to go with them. so we're going to london in november. hooray! and today, she went shopping with me because i said i needed to go out and she went to all the shops *I* wanted to go to with me. it's all very nice but somehow, it doesn't seem...right. ok, i'm going to london for a second time this year and that's absolutely great, especially since i can't go with maja because i won't be able to afford it then. and yay, i got to buy loads of nice things today. but it's not okay if she only does it because she's afraid i might hurt myself or whatever. it's the situation i always wanted to avoid. i never told her about hurting myself or about what i was really feeling or thinking. it really annoyed me that she would think of my wishes and dreams as silly and immature but that was better than her knowing the real thing. but lately, things pretty much shit the fan depression-wise and there wasn't any way to get out of situations in which she noticed how i was feeling. so i had to let it out in front of her. damn, this is not right!
in other news...i talked to maja last night and it was actually a nice talk. it's strange because ever so often lately i find myself wondering what's happening to our friendship, where we're standing, what i could do to improve things and quite often things also seem to be falling apart. and then we one of those really awesome talks and i feel entirely stupid for even thinking that something could be wrong. probably, i'm too emotional lately. nah, not probably, i know that i am. i just didn't quite notice how much of an impact it had on our friendship until recently. it's a bit like things have turned 180� because i remember a time when she was complaining about me being too cold and me complaining about her being too emotional and dependent.
ugh..i heard the most disgusting and sick thing today. there's a little mini-zoo thing in oberhausen where you can just go for a walk. they don't have any exotic animals but just some that most people won't find very exciting, like...raccoons and wolves and ducks. and they also have a small petting zoo. and apparently, last night someone went there and raped and killed a pony. how can you fucking violate a p-o-n-y? a cute little "mini-horse" with huge eyes and fuzzy fur? it's like...a cuddle-bear with hooves, dammit. it's as disgusting as raping a child. bah, i wanna kill the person. i love ponies and you really shouldn't do this to things or persons i love. poor little pony ulla. :(
yeah, i guess i'll go watch something AFI-related (how about the great new VHS i got. :] ) to get rid of the horrible mental image. *shivers*
donots - the jerk parade