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it won't be alright
2005-04-29
fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck.
i hate this all so very very much. i thought it was getting better. i called maja earlier this week and told her that it was getting better. i also emailed tanja and told her the same. but i was wrong. it was just a temporary high caused by the fact that it was less crap as most days are. it's not getting better. i'll never get used to this and i don't want to, either.
i don't want to get used to the shifts.
i'm not teenage angst-ish enough anymore to say i want to die. that's not true. i used to think that when i was younger and i know i mentioned it more than once in this diary during the first few years. it's more like in that robbie williams song: "i don't want to die, but i'm not keen on living either". this is not right. why do i keep thinking it will get better? why do people tell me that it will? i know it never will because i CANNOT get used to this. i have to bloody sell additional stuff to people. to convince people to buy something you have to be self-confident enough to speak up and pretend that it's what people want. fuck, i can't even pretend that i am self-confident. i cannot even be myself while talking to strangers. it is not the right job for me. so it cannot get better and there is no way for me to get used to the situation. unless you can get used to constantly being unhappy. which i'm obviously not. otherwise i would have stayed at school, got my higher degree and be all patient.
i'm mad at my colleagues, i'm mad at the customers and i'm also mad at my boss. but most of all i am mad at myself for being so fucking weak and dependent. if only i could get my act together, come to terms with what i want, be myself and give up the money in order to try and become happy. but no, i hide my real feelings, i suppress any want or need and prostitute myself in order to earn some money. i make myself sick sometimes.
i could start all over but instead i'm doing the only thing i can to make myself feel better (temporarily): i'll go and buy new music on saturday.
i don't want to get used to never talking to anyone i love anymore.
i don't want to get used to selling crap to people who don't want it.
i don't want to have to whore myself like that for some bucks.
i don't want to be told to be patient.
i don't want to wait and see.
but most of all, i don't want to be myself anymore.
i won't get used to the harsh tone at work, either. i won't get used to some of the people obviously not liking me. it's not gonna happen, so could people please stop telling me that it's gonna be fine?
AFI - this time imperfect