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one bright light in delirious dark
2002-03-27
come in. have a seat. make yourself at home. and enjoy my completely new and luffly home. yup yup, it's new again. i really liked the old colourful style and all but it brought too many technical shit into my life. it took ages to load and the two tables just never looked like i wanted them to. plus the banner looked really...well...bah!
ok, so on to more interesting matters. (well, when i say 'interesting', i, of course, don't really mean 'interesting' since nothing in a personal diary will ever be of *real* interest to anyone else. oh well...)
i would tell you about other things but i really haven't been doing much during my first days of the holidays. i couldn't be arsed to use public transport and my mom had the car, so i just stayed at home. my mom shamelessly took advantage of this and made me do some housework. under normal circumstance, i would have refused doing that, finding a real brilliant excuse like 'it's against my religion' or 'i think i might be coming down with something' but i was really so bored outta my mind that i actually did what she had told me and even a bit more.
yeah, that was basically my perfectly boring life. i'll keep you up-to-date.
stay beautiful!
and btw, this looks a lot nicer. kinda posh and sexy, doesn't it? hehe. and i promise it'll stay like that for a while. oh and the bugs with the rings and all will be fixed soon. i just didn't feel like sorting that out at 3am last nite.
blablabla...as if anyone cared. as if anyone who reads this actually really gave a shit about the colour theme and style of this diary. i never cease to amaze myself with my naivit�.
you know, i always kinda wondered what exactly savage garden meant with the line 'all these mixed emotions we keep
locked away like stolen pearls...', now i kinda know. i dunno how to feel, really. nah, it's even a bit more complex than that.
see, actually i'm quite happy. and it's that kind of happiness that's just...there, you know?! like, you wake up and you're happy and motivated and all. really chilly and stuff. but beneath that there's that weird feeling of...well, anxiety, maybe. and definitely envy. two of my friends sent me texts today, telling me they had finally found an apprenticeship. one of them being my mate sabrina. the other one's that bitch i wrote about several times, jenny. now, one thing is that i really don't think jenny deserves this. see, she's just lucky, she hasn't done a thing for it. she's only sent out like 3 or 4 appliance letters and in talks (apparently also in job interviews) she behaves like a complete bitch. so she just got lucky and doesn't deserve it. i'm happy for sabrina, though.
the other thing is that this leaves me completely worried. all my friends have something to do. they have apprenticeships and my other friends have jobs or still a few years of school. i don't have anything so far. i might get that apprenticeship, or i might not get it. i have no idea. last week after the interview, i was pretty sure, i would get it. now my hope is getting smaller and smaller. with every bloody day i have to wait. of course, if i won't get it, there'll be other chances. other companies will (probably) invite me for interviews and at some point i'll find something. but i've come to really WANT this one. it's not my dream job (considering that i don't have one, that's not too bad), it's probably not the best thing that could happen to me. but, goddammit, i want it! i'm good at it, i know i'd be happy with it, i'd get quite a lot of money...hell, i've already made plans how to handle the whole thing. ok, that WAS stupid. you shouldn't make plans with and about things you don't have, yet. 
but...i dunno...it's scaring myself how much i really want this now. just a few days ago, i was still completely indifferent about what job i'd actually end up doing, as long as it brings in enough money, so i'll be able to go over to london like i planned it. now, this seems all so important to me. they said they'd contact us before the easter weekend which is in 4 days. which means i'm gonna get a letter very very soon. OH GAWWD! i guess, if their answer's negative, i'm gonna have the very first *real* breakdown of my life. i've had little black-outs, before. like, starting to cry and scream uncontrollably. i even hallucinated once because i was so scared of being seriously ill and didn't want to go to hospital again. (that was a blast! 
i thought my robbie williams poster was talking to me!) i'm just SO wrapping myself up in this. if i'd known i'd end up like this, i would have taken a week off, packed my bags and left for a while. just spent a week in london or so. but noooo, now i'm sitting here, nearly dying. i'm such a wuss! i should get a bloody grep of myself, don't you think? as if that whole stupid thing was everything. *sigh*
today, i finally got the final fantasy IX game i bought on ebay, so i basically spent the day playing it. i still think it's awfully cute and keep going like 'aww' all the time.
:::liebling:::
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