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theories of conspiracy
2002-01-20
i have no friends. i thought i had quite a few but actually i don't. i just have people that i know who come here and use and abuse me and then let me down. they take what they can get and then leave me all alone again.
well, i guess now i've pretty much said what had to be said. did you notice how i still refer to them as 'my friends' tho at the beginning i claimed now to have any friends? i guess that means i still care about them a lot. nah, actually i know i do. i love them to bits. nevertheless i have to be a lot more careful with what i give and whom i give it to. i can't keep this up now. the more i give and the less i get back the more i realise that they actually don't deserve it. and it kinda hurts to think my friend are a bunch of selfish brats which i know (well, hope) they're not.
well, that's enough now. this is the day of the end of something really amazing. it's the last episode of the new season of dawson's creek today!
stay beautiful!
ok, maybe i have one friend. she knows who she is. i know she's reading this. she's the only one who actually receives AND gives. the others never give me anything unless i actually beg for it. and i never even ask for much. i'm not a person who actually calculates the values of things, material or emotional, and then wants the same amount back. that wouldn't be friendship anymore. it's just that i don't appreciate it if i never get a single thing back. even tho they KNOW i need their help with something. i mean, i ask for their help with something really small and they say that it's too much work or they have no time or whatever. and it's not only about material things like that. it's like...some of my friends are in pretty bad emotional condidition and they often have times when they're feeling suicidal and shit. and i'm always here for them. they can always talk to me. sometimes i stay up for them til 3am or 4am or i don't go to bed at all and i stay online or on the phone just to listen to their problems. and i don't mind that much because they're my friends (at least i thought so). but as soon as i have some serious issues they have no time or need sleep or whatever. i wouldn't mind if this happened only once in a while because everyone's different and some just aren't the types to always listen and stuff. but i noticed that they're some people who actually never seemed to care and only listened when there was nothing better to do anyway or when they couldn't make up some silly excuse. one girl even seems to have forgotten about me at all as soon as her depressions had faded a little.
i sound like i was putting myself in a higher position here. i'm not intending to, tho. i'm not an angel. i can be pretty bitchy and i know i'm not exactly a loveable person. but there are some people in my life who are very important to me (or at least they used to be). and i'm willing to do pretty much everything for them. and it hurts to never get anything back. i don't even get a sign of...whatever...thankfulness (does that exist?) or appreciation or whatever. hell, they even give me the feeling (and sometimes even tell me face-to-face) that it unnerves them when i talk about the things i like (i.e. placebo, my 'crushes', hello kitty, etc...) i mean, what else should i talk about than the things i like. i can't start having serious discussions about things i don't have the slightest clue of, can i? and well...at least i am honest and stick to the obsessions i have. not like some people i know who are MASSIVE fans of certain bands and actually do a lot more silly fan things than me and still claim not be 'that kind of fan'. see, it's such silly stuff that we get in arguments over. it's basically them starting to complain and me being pissed off by it. and the worst thing is, i am too 'nice' to tell them that i'm sick of it. or actually nice isn't the right word because my alternative reaction isn't exactly nice, either. i just get all bitchy and stop talking to them and stuff. see, the thing is, i don't want them to think i'm a selfish bitch for expecting them to give things aswell as receiving cos that sounds like i was paying them to be my friends. and i don't want them to give things because i tell them to, either. instead i make it even worse by being a lot bitchier than just telling them the truth would seem. plus i never know how they'd react. most of my friends are quite mature (despite their relatively young age) and i'd guess they'd be cool about it but then again...they've managed to surprise me with their reactions every so often already and i am practically clueless in how far they'd be offended by what i have to say. maybe some will know by reading this now anyway. i wouldn't actually mind. i still think telling them personally would be a lot nicer and fairer but i also know that i'd never be able to find the words for what i want to express if i had them in front of me or on the phone.
oh, and btw, this is not only about my friends. this is about basically everyone in my life. i really think there's kinda conspiracy that has it as their aim to abuse me and hurt me and be rude to me as much as possible. i dunno, but i keep getting bitchy answers from people about trivial things and it just all sucks so much. it pisses me off so much that i actually start bitching, too. and then they turn it around and complain about me being rude. see, i'm a moderator of a more-or-less popular bbs and it seems like people go and piss me off on purpose just so they can run off to my 'boss' and complain about me or sometimes just embarrass me in front of everyone to show how bad i am as a moderator. hell, now i even sound paranoid. but it's true. in order to be taken serious when people do something against the rules you mustn't actually get in real silly fights and stuff and sometimes it's just so hard not to kick back when they're attacking me.
and i have to go to watch it now (can't possibly miss that).
:::liebling::: 
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