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suck this!
2004-08-14
gah. will john ever leave me alone? how often do you have to tell someone that you're not interested? ok, so i told him i had a crush on him way back when we first met. but i was SIXTEEN back then and i had a crush on everyone who'd smile on me. and by now i don't even think it was a crush. i've never been pretty and i've never been out-going, so people even seeming interested in me didn't happen a lot. so, i always felt incredibly flattered by everything. most of my "relationships" were really just fuck-things because i was easy to get. smile at me and there...you had me.
i'm still not at the new place at work, yet. first, they drive me all crazy and then no one comes to pick me up and tell me what to do. i was supposed to wait for the boss of the other department to come over to lead me to my new place and show me everything and all. well, and that's what i'm doing. i just hope they'll wait another two weeks. i'm still pissed off at them, though. last...uhm...thursday i think i got yelled at because i made a mistake which i had been told to make by someone else. i think the people there just basically hate each other so one doesn't know what the other does and everyone wants to know better than the other, so i get told a lot of shit and wrong things. the problem is...the only person right now that i think doesn't tell me shit is h. but letting her show me things is so exhausting because she keeps forgetting that i don't have the routine yet. she's worked there for 25 years, so a lot of things seem natural to her while i have to think about it first.
hmm...also, i don't know what's wrong with maja or what i'm supposed to have done wrong now. i just asked when she's flying to england and she seemed annoyed. come to think of it, i've been feeling slightly...unwanted lately anyway. but i think i shall just wait and see. she'll come out with it eventually if there's anything bothering her.
so, i'm going to the pre-screening of garfield tomorrow. i hope it's as funny as it sounds. so far, i'm in doubt because the comics are SO good that i don't know why a movie is needed and whether it could live up to the whole fun. but we'll see.
right now, i'm too busy to continue writing here because i have to decide whether i want to watch almost famous and dogma afterwards or go play final fantasy 8 which i stopped at a very interesting point last night because i couldn't keep my eyes open.
all of this has vanished now. i got a lot more cynical and all. but he remained. sometimes, i think i should be really flattered and i should find it really sweet. but i don't. he says stuff like "would you sleep with me if we met?" or "i know you'd kiss me back if i kissed you". and it's just so...degrading. i've told him a million times not to say things like that. also, i keep reminding him of his girlfriend. that's the real reason i find it disgusting. i don't know...sometimes, when i'm pissed or horny or something, i don't really care who i'm with, i guess i'd shag almost anyone. but he has a GIRLFRIEND. morals aren't usually my thing but not even i am mean enough to give him a chance to cheat on her. i'd just like to tell her about his behaviour. i mean, he says he "has to act like this because of his hormones". hello? how cheap is that? ok, so i used to cheat on all of my former boyfriends but a) i was very young back then and b) i never pretended to think it was the big thing.
by now, it's even down to the point that i'm actually brutally honest. i tell him i don't find him attractive at all. i tell him he seems horribly unsexy to me. but it doesn't even help. he still things (and says) that i'm lying and i actually want him. and all just because of that one fucking time i told him i had a crush on him 5 years ago. wtf?
the tv -