Home
Archives
Profile
Book
Notes
Mail
Cast
Misc
Rings
Host
The Moaning Entry
2005-08-13
Another sad story of my current state: I've been a little miserable and definitely full of anger and bad mood today. Then, I went on the Despair Faction Forum and saw that Davey had posted a few replies to people's questions and it made me feel all fuzzy inside. And it wasn't even my questions being answered because I've never posted one there. Sad!
I don't know, I'm just not feeling well, lately. And it's only partly related to me being unemployed and pretty much useless.
It's also because I had to face another truth about me. For one reason or another I was forced to realize that I hate changes. Especially changes in other people. I hate seeing them change and I hate waking up one day, realizing that they have changed so much, I wouldn't even recognize them anymore if it wasn't for our frequent contact. It doesn't even matter if it is a good change that makes people happy or a bad one that makes them miserable. I just wish people and things around me would stay as they are forever. Unless it is required for them to adjust to themselves to my current state. Because I am allowed to change, of course. But only when it is a good change and it just...happens. I hate having to change things or even knowing about them. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am really just a bad, bad person. I think they would have ended up burning me back during the witch hunting days. Being happy for other people is so hard for me, and often impossible.
Another thing that will surely make me feel better is Willy Wonka. Yes, I am finally going to see it tomorrow. I wanted to do so today but then decided to go and buy a webcam as that is the one no lifer-internet junkie item that was missing in my life so far. Now I've got one and am not using it because I don't like posting pictures of me on the interweb. But the important thing is that I own one (in addition to my already existing digicam and the cellphone cam). Anyway, my point was: So I'm seeing Johnny Depp already. And who knows, maybe my first review on our new website won't be music-related after all...if we ever finish making it, that is.
I like to think that it is people's own fault because during my childhood / youth I was alone so much. So I'm simply not used to having to care about other people. It was usually just me, myself and I. I wish Ivana would come online. She's the only one I can realy bare talking to lately. Because she has this...non-pressing air about her. We're mostly just bullshitting around and during the few deeper talks we have, she doesn't try to force her opinions on me. Which I know isn't what other people are trying to do but I often feel small and stupid compared to them. When I talk to Maja for example, I often feel like talking to some sort of authority. Like I just have to agree or there well be no TV tonight. When I talk to Tina, I feel boring and useless. When I talk to my mum, I feel like the biggest disappointment of her life. And Annette? Well, I love spending time with her but she's not a good listener. I often feel like I'm freaking her out when I try to mention really personal things. Talking to Tanja made me feel good until I started feeling like I'm always complaining to her and she makes even the bad things in her life seem all bright and sunny. Yes, I definitely need Ivana to bullshit around with her a little. That kind of manages to cheer me up most of the time.
blur - song 2