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future plans?
2003-06-08
due to recent happenings i've had to do some thinking. and i've come to the following...well, conclusion:
either i sort out/get done some or all of the following aspects within one year or...
make of the or... whatever you like but i think you got me. today's date is 8th june 2003. so take this date in one year and we'll see...
1. i have to start a therapy. i don't even know what is wrong with me. or if it is me for that matter. maybe it's no one. maybe i'm just too different and i don't fit in and never will. if this, however, comes out during therapy, maybe the or... isn't such a bad option after all.
2. i have to find a certain way in life. ok, i finished school and i started this apprenticeship. but technically i am still where i used to be. i am doing something, yes. that means i am not living somewhere under a bridge. but it's not 100% what i want to do and i still have no future plans. i am pretty lucky, yes. probably i have about 10x more than other people of my age. i am not saying that i am in a bad financial or material position. but i mainly just take what i get and never have real plans which means i never get to do what i really want. which also includes never knowing what to look out for. and never knowing what my future could be like. so i have to start thinking my aims over and maybe even realise some dreams (after finding out what exactly they are, of course.)
3. i have to sort things out with my dad. i thought this was it and i could get over the whole thing now. and it's not like i cry myself to sleep over him each night. but i noticed that it IS bugging me. i have to know what went wrong or it'll always be the main sign for me that i am a terrible person no one wants to be with...
4. i have to find out who i want to be part of my life. so far i have a massive number of people in my life that have no real role in it. they're just there and i don't know what to make of them and i have to think about this and maybe just get rid of them.
5. i have to start doing what i want to do without feeling bad for it. maybe that'll make people accept my wishes more, too. for example i always feel bad when i say that i prefer 'boring' things like gigs or movies to discos. and then, of course, people notice my insecurity and think that i am boring. maybe if i'll just be all strong about it and go about it in a way that says "that's me, accept it or leave me alone" they'll stop teasing me.
i think that's about it, really. i know i'll have to keep reminding myself of this now. i am determined to stick to this plan as i don't want to end up being 40 and finding out that i have fucked up everything. so i need this kind of limit for myself...hm...right.
and these are the 'aspects' i have been talking about:
placebo - then the clouds will open for me