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i know i'm selfish, i'm unkind
2002-01-05
i realized something today. and the terrible truth of it almost blew me away.
*reads paragraph again* it sounds awful, doesn't it? but then again...it was way more terrible and shocking when the thought hit me this morning. but still...i sound like a little drama queen (which i am...there's no doubt). but i mean, i'm pissed now. (vodka's bad for you, kids.
whatever.
stay beautiful!
i'm a complete bitch!
and i don't mean in the sense of 'hey, i'm a bitch and proud of it'. that seems to be quite a common attitude and i am a bit like that, too. but this time i'm completely serious. i'm a horrible person. i kind of noticed that this morning (well...afternoon) when i was lying in bed. i was thinking about my life and suddenly it hit me. remember what i wrote in my last entry? what great friends i have and stuff? and, gawwd, that's so true. they're brilliant. but do i appreciate that? no, i don't. i never do. i'm complaining about my oh-so-bad life all the time and i dream of having another life and i'm never happy with what i have. and it's not only about my friends. i'm also so sorry for my mom who's been working her arse off to make a good live possible for me all the time and i've always been asking for more. i've never been happy with what i had.
in fact, i've often looked at my family in disgust. like when we've been out together to celebrate someone's birthday or so. i've always been rather ashamed and never wanted to be there and just hoped noone would see us instead of just standing behind my family and supporting them in everything and just being proud of it. i always looked at my life as 'not good enough' and wanted to be someone else and now i notice that in fact I am not good enough for them. 
i am an awful person and i don't even deserve this family or these friends. i deserve to be sent off to the desert to live on my own.
gawwd, i feel so terrible. i wish i had the strangth and courage to just kill myself. it would be so easy. they'd never have to see me again. but see? i am a coward, too. i can't even go and get some freaking sleeping pills to finally leave. when i think about it...it's quite a surprise that noone's done that job for me yet. i'm so evil that i would have been killed long ago if this was a soap opera. but then again...i didn't get to fuck all the guys yet so maybe my time just hasn't come. i dunno...
but it is a fact that i have to change something. and if i can't take my life away i will have to make it better. i'll let you know when i thought of something to do. *sigh*
but hold your bloody horses now. you don't need to send doctors, therapists, priests, the marshmallow-man and whoever else over to me. i'm not gonna kill me anytime soon. yeah, if there was a completely painless and quick and clean and easy way to die i wouldn't say no but there isn't. so i'm gonna stay in this world for a minute longer. and i'm not gonna go and become a nun either (when i think about it...that's the same 
). it's not like i was deeply depressed now...lying in my bed all the time...drowning in self pity. i'm pretty much leading the same life as before...just a little wiser and thinking a bit more.
i'm losing my plot now.
i need sleep. things will look better tomorrow (yeah, right).
liebling 
xxx
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