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despair
2002-07-31
no no no...i can't go on like this. this is killing me. i mean, i don't have any order or routine in my life anymore. i sleep at day and sometimes at night, i eat dinner in the morning and lunch at night, i am online 24/7... well, my comp is. i haven't switched the comps off for 2 or 3 days now. just because i don't see a point in switching them off just to switch them on again an hour later. there's no sense in anything i am doing. i've lost track of time. i get up at 3pm and yell at my mom for coming home so early an hour later. it's like the only thing that reminds me of what time it is is the tv programme.
i finally got to watch "memento" today. it's a good movie. there's wasn't this "ahaaaaaa"-thing i expected from all the good reviews but it's still a good one. and it's quite good to know that there are still intelligent movies out there. i think the last thing the world needs are more "american pie"s and "scary movie"s.
hmm...the sad thing is that's all i have to write about because that's all i did today. well, i stayed up til 6am again and at around 4am i had been to every message board i've ever registered a name at. i noticed that one of those boards seems to be an alternative for the old bsh board. i dunno but it's full of people i know but haven't seen for ages. well, maybe they are still on the bsh and think i'm an arrogant fanclub member because i hardly post there anymore. in fact, i am just too lazy to login each time i jump from sr to bsh and back again. but then again, i'm beyond caring what people think about me. well, i'm beyond caring what those people think about me because they don't know me. which sounds bitchy and arrogant. which it isn't supposed to. i just realized i shouldn't care about the opinions of people who don't know me and have nothing to build their opinions on. not that anything had happened that would make me think they don't like me. argh, i don't know. see, this is what i mean. i sit around and do nothing and then, i think about things and my bored mind makes up problems for me to solve, so i don't kill myself out of boredom and useless-ness.
i just noticed that the people who make buffy have indeed to be geniuses. when i watch it, that angel guy runs around in a white muscle shirt. it must be terribly hard always to find reasons why someone would be running around in a white muscle shirt. *nods*
yesterday, i was convinced that this month had no 31st day. and i was about to write to the people who had made my calendar/the tv programme to complain. then, i found out that i thought it was june but it's july and i couldn't really believe that, either. it's like...dunno. i have no sense of how long it's been since i finished school. or when maja left or when i talked to her for the last time. and...i dunno, all times of day and night have the same rules for me and i am rather annoyed that the rest of the world doesn't think so. i sit staring at the comp at 5am and would like to call someone but can't because it's not a "human" time. and at daytime, i am too tired or too busy doing nothing or sleeping.
i really need something to do. just...something. it doesn't have to earn me money or something. i just wanna stop thinking and getting bored.
it's not all bad, tho. there are times when i am incredibly amused by this situation. i mean, i am like beavis...the only thing that's missing is butthead. *sigh*
it was quite funny because my mom watched it with me. she had rented it and she told me how the guy who works at the video store had told her "how" to watch the movie. so, i assumed he had told her that the story was told backwards. after half an hour, however, she went like "i don't understand a single thing. do you?" and it turned out she did not know about this and she hadn't figured it out yet, either. so basically, she really didn't understand anything. *lmao* i thought it was quite funny. she must be a little dumb because after the 2nd or 3rd scene (at the very very latest) she could have figured it out.
anyway, i'm going back to my video games now.
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