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no surface all feeling
2002-06-30
WARNING: this is gonna be a painfully boring read.
i am only updating to kill some time. daria will be on in 1.5 hrs. but nothing, absolutely nothing, is on til then. and i've already finished reading "the long hard road out of hell". i could finish or at least continue reading "me talk pretty one day" but i'm not feeling like it at all.
blah, sometimes, i am just analyzing things way too much. most things are actually really simple. i don't know why we have to make them so complicated all the time. i suppose, if i just accepted things as they are, my life would be over because i'd die from boredom. i go out so very rarely that i actually try to make myself some problems.
no no no, wait...i have a new fave song of the moment: "no surface all feeling" by the manics. it's such a powerful song. i'm totally in love with it at the moment. and because i am such a dork, i am gonna post the lyrics for you:
Embarrassed possessed and so uncivilised
It makes me angry ashamed but really alive
It was no surface but all feeling
Maybe richer maybe wiser
Just one thing before I get to sleep
Feel the guilt of a sinner
lyrics by manicx.co.uk
to be honest, today, i wasn't really feeling like doing anything. usually, i, at least, wanna do things i can't do for several reasons. today, i was mainly sitting around doing nothing. and even that, i didn't wanna do. i used to love just sitting around thinking. but lately, i've become scared of thinking because all those awful thoughts about the things i have to do/change/think about sneak into my happy dreamy ones. when i just let my mind run freely, i sooner or later start thinking about my dad and if i should call him and what he would say and if he'd even consider talking to me. which pisses me off in itself because he has no right to even give me a reason to think like that. HE is the one who's never been there, HE should come creeping back to ME. yet, i am always worried that i am doing things wrong. and i hate myself for it because i keep telling myself to just quit. just stop calling him and never try to have contact with him again because it leads to nothing and obviously we can't be ok for longer than a few months. i mean, who said parents and children always HAVE to get along? what if, due to some strange mood of nature, a parent and a child have absolutely nothing in common and there's no way of coping and if they weren't related to each other, they'd NEVER meet? i think today's society is a bit cruel when it comes to that. you have to stick to your parents no matter how badly you get along. if i met a person like my dad in real life we'd probably do our best to try to avoid contact as much as possible. it's not fair that we have to try again and again just because he's my dad.
this might sound cruel but i don't think children owe their parents anything. ok, they "make" them and bring them up but they never ask if the children want to be "made" in the first place. therefore, there's not much i could pay my parents back. well, my mom maybe. ok, i don't owe her anything but she's a nice mom and most of the time we're ok. so, i don't mind doing nice things for her and all. and actually being nice to her. she's more like a friend, really. i can't really say that i look up to her because she's just never been "up there" for me. you know, she's just never done anything to *really* make me feel like she was in charge.
ah well...i guess i'm gonna go and read some more, now.
Just take a look at the whites of my eyes
See me now and I will apologise
For me for you we knew they were lies
It may have worked but at what price
What's the point in always looking back
When all you see is more and more junk
Maybe at the time it felt like dreaming
Seems so easy to not go too far
Beg me to stop hate my face I know
They tell me forever just to go
Nothing here but the stains on my teeth
No not blood just liquid from you
I only wish it was the truth
Feel the cold of a winter
It was no surface but all feeling
Maybe at the time it felt like dreaming
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