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it's loser day!
2002-04-30
as you might guess by the time i am writing this, this is NOT gonna be a happy entry. because i am not happy. but this time, i am not gonna whine about how terrible my life is and all. which probably means that this time, it's worse than all the times, before. if i whine and exaggerate and stuff, i'm USUALLY being a little drama queen. if i'm all calm and rather think about consequences and shit, it means i'm in *really* bad shape. which i am.
stay beautiful!
i just got a letter from the company where i had the interview, last week. they don't want me. and guess what? it came along with another luffly letter from another company who also told me they don't want me. and they used shitty stuff like 'please don't think you're not talented enough. it just has to do with what our company expects.' RIGHT! in other words: 'ok, so you have a bloody school degree, but you look shit, your letter sounds silly and you're not even good enough to exist.' brilliant! don't you love this?
i had called my mom from school, today and she already told me about the letters, so i was kinda prepared. even tho, sabrina babbled something like 'it might be a contract...' blah. i promised myself not to freak out and don't even let it get to me. it worked for about 2 minutes. then, i broke down and ran into my room. i can't stand having my mom stare at me while i'm bawling. so, i locked my door, turned a cebo CD on and cried. but only for like a minute. then, i realised how pointless crying really is. at least the bawling-crying when you scream and roll around on your bed and shit. it's really helpful when you're, like, 3 years old. because then, everyone acts on it and tries to calm you down and gives you what you want. at my age, things are different. i cry about bigger things than a lollipop. noone can give me what i want. i don't cry to be calmed down because there is no way of calming me down. so, what's the point in crying?
so, i stopped and just lay on my bed. and thought. well, at least, i thought for a few minutes. after a while, it was more like...lying there and staring at the ceiling and hoping i could just lie there until i die. it was rather peaceful and really soothing. i mean, why can't i do that? it wouldn't cost anyone anything. my mom has to pay the rent for the apartment, anyway. since i would just be waiting for death to get me, i wouldn't need food or whatever, either. she'd just have to let me lie there for a few weeks. i even thought about just ending it right there (again) but my mom's home :( i couldn't even go and get a knife to just cut around on my arms, again. so, i used my fingernails instead. but it didn't really work.
last time, i wrote this people told me how stupid i was for thinking like that and how strong i am. pff! strong, yeah? i'll never understand this. how can anyone be strong when they just go on? isn't suicide much braver than just letting life take you on and on? seriously, how little choice do we have in life? it's not like i had thought about something for ages and then, out of 12879 choices i had picked EXACTLY the right one. or even done something to get it. at all points in life, good or bad, we have exactly two choices: living or dying. of course, there are different ways to take these chances. it's a bit like driving. when you're on a highway, you can either leave it choosing one of many exits or drive on, either on the same highway or choosing another. and i mean, i guess, i'd be kinda...the driver of a broken car who's just being dragged on by a driver and his not-broken car. until i decide to just get out of the car and leave the highway. i wouldn't say killing yourself is really that much braver than going on. i dunno. but it's another choice. it's another way to go. i dunno why it would be worse than anything else.
but then again, i'm not really able to think, at the moment, anyway. i just have too much pressure from all sites on me. i have my teacher telling me about those damn finals, next month. i have my mom criticizing rather unimportant things like the mess in my room. i have my dad telling me i'm never gonna get an apprenticeship. i have friends being annoying and pissed off because of whatever reasons. i have loads of companies telling me i'm not good enough to work for them.
hell, don't you all see that i CANNOT change all this. if ONE person tells me to change ONE thing about me, i can try. it's hard but i can try. but with all those people telling me about all those things they hate about me i'd have to die and be reborn to be like they want me.
ok, so i did whine, again. who cares? i don't. can't be arsed to care about anything, anymore.
liebling
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