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back to "normal"
2002-06-29
ok, i'm feeling a bit better today. i've come to the conclusion that yesterday's despair was partly caused by my lack of sleep. i really hadn't slept much lately and somehow i always refused to go to bed before 3am even though i had to get up at 7am already. so, today, i slept til 7.30am, went to another job interview (which i had forgotten to cancel, so i had to go there) and when i got back at 10am, went to bed again and slept til 5pm. after that, i felt a lot better. this morning, when i woke up, everything seemed quite black. now, it's only grey.
there you go. *laughs* who said such internet quizzes were complete bullshit? they do know, i swear.
though i have to admit that yesterday, for the first time in ages when i was feeling down, i wasn't feeling very suicidal. i felt a bit more like doing the "richey thing". you know, just packing my stuff and disappearing. i thought that life in general wasn't so bad and that it is the outer circumstances of my life that's making it hell. and if i just left all the pressures behind me and started all over again maybe it would be all cool. i just feel kinda restrained in this life because there are so many people who know the current me and they'd make me feel a little uncomfortable if they'd get to see the new me. last night, i was actually pretty close to doing precisely that. because i thought if i don't get the apprenticeship now, i can't call my dad at all anymore (so far it's still out there if i'm ever gonna do that again) and my mom would probably finally realize that i'm not as good as she thought and dunno...things would just collapse and there wouldn't really be a way out. but then, i thought that i'm not as clever as richey. i couldn't disappear and never be found again. it would be so easy to find me. my first thought would be to go to london and i'd probably do that. and people would look for me in that town, first. and even if they wouldn't find me there, of course i'd go to the next best placebo gig and people would definitely find me there. so...you can thank my lack of believe in my intelligence for this entry because otherwise i wouldn't be here to write it.
i just noticed that this isn't making much sense because i haven't told you way i am in danger of not getting the apprenticeship. i'm still not in the mood but...let's roughly say that the appointment with the doctor didn't go too well. it turned out that i don't have the "perfect body shape" (NO, who would have thought?) and apparently, there's also something wrong with the rythm of my heartbeat which shocked me a little but somehow it's only when i'm not moving and as soon as my body starts doing something, it's ok, again. so, i guess i'm not gonna die from a heart attack anytime soon... sooo...i have to let them suck blood from my veins on monday and wait for the results and then we'll see... that's basically the whole story.
alright, i guess i'm going to bed now (again) and i'll sleep til 5pm (at least) and then i'll go to the cinema with my mom (i should move in there) because she's found a gift certificate i'd made for her a while ago. and it was for cinema tickets and food and all the stuff you need when you wanna see a movie. and she thought it was a good idea to get back on me for that now (the certificate is 2 years out *laughs*)
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