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maybe richer maybe wiser
2002-08-28
i'm really happy now. i finally got all my courage together and called my dad. in the past few weeks, i realized that i've been making mistakes, too and that i've never really given him a chance. so, i've been wanting to call them for ages. but i was afraid they'd send me away. i don't know how often i actually thought "ok, you'll do it now" and then chickened out. but today, i did it. it's hard to explain how i felt now...because calling someone is just such a trivial thing. but today, it felt like...dunno, cutting your throat. well, except for the result. i was trembling so much and while it was ringing i was already thinking about just hanging up again. but i didn't. HA! i, however, only got my stepmom on the phone. but that was alright. she was really nice and when i explained her how i had always been so afraid of calling because i had fucked up and all she seemed to understand. it was good to hear they had not given up on me. and i feel so light now. i'm going there on saturday and hopefully we will be able to talk things through. i'm happy now. it's really been bugging me. i never even mentioned it here which i still can't believe cos it was enough to make me cry myself to sleep at night. i think it was just a thing of admitting when you're wrong. which is always hard. now, i seem to have managed to do so.
damn damn damn. actually i should go and work on the site now because i told maja that i'd show her a bit of a result tomorrow. i'm getting forward but it still isn't too impressing. i haven't decided on a suitable background colour yet and i fucking need something like a banner or whatever...argh! but i'm way too happy to go and work on it now. i think i'll just go to bed instead so i can be up quite early tomorrow and actually make something of the day.
manic street preachers - everything must go